I've been thinking some more on the issue of Islamic polygyny, specifically about the humanity (or lack thereof) surrounding the practice. A commenter from my last post referred to the pain experienced by the first wife:
"but tell me, if tomorrow you decided to take another wife, how would your wife FEEL? proud? happy? excited? or would she feel embarassed and EXTREMELY hurt that perhaps she is lacking something? who would be proud telling their mom 'guess what mom. my hubby is taking on another wife! yay'"
On top of that, I found this very interesting post by Achelois, where some very real, agonizing questions have been introduced into this discussion – questions revealing the very human aspect of this issue.
I appreciate these often-overlooked perspectives for they provide an insight that is sorely lacking in this discussion.
But the reality is that sometimes there is serious pain involved in fulfilling social responsibilities. And that is how I view Islamic polygyny – as a social responsibility to be practiced in the context of extenuating circumstances. I view polygyny as a most effective means of caring for orphans and single mothers. I see it as a means of providing for women when there is a dearth of men capable of providing for these women.
I don't see it through the twisted lenses of men who are looking for kinky, sexual pleasures. I don't accept that lame excuse that it helps curb adultery. I don't buy the statistical argument that there are more women than men. I don't paint my opinion of Islamic polygyny with the abuses of the countless men indulging in their sexual fantasies.
I view the institution of Islamic polygyny as a necessary aberration to address societal 'situations'. I see it eerily similar to Islamic Jihad.
The hallowed institution of Jihad is universally accepted by all Muslims, regardless of its many abuses across the globe. Even with the prominence of Al-Qaeda and their jihadist brethren, no Muslim will ever opine that Jihad has become an outdated institution.
No sane Muslim will talk of the personal difficulties created by Jihad as justification for its abrogation.
Surely there is pain involved in taking the soul of another human, the horror of ending a life which had the potential of becoming a beloved servant of God, the anguish of creating another widow and another orphan, the mental and emotional toll it takes on the participants, the torment of the wife who kisses her husband one last time before he goes out to fight, and so on.
These are very real issues created when fulfilling the responsibilities of Islamic Jihad.
But these truths don't detract from the harsh reality of having to pick up a weapon and fight for the sake of Allah (when the requisite conditions have been met).
Nor should the pains involved in polygyny sidetrack individuals from fulfilling their social responsibilities (when the requisite conditions have been met).
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This final part is work-in-progress:
[And just like the requisite conditions for Jihad have been spelt out in our tradition, I believe that a similar effort ought to be undertaken for Islamic polygyny. There are many rules with regards to declaring and carrying out Jihad that have been extracted from the principles of the Quran and Sunnah. Why shouldn't there be similar rulings outlining the do's and don'ts of polygyny.
Sadly I fear that is something that will never happen. For it is the condition-less practice of polygyny that allows men to indulge and abuse this most sanctified of Islamic institutions.]
WAW
2 days ago
15 comments:
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
as-salaamu 'alaikum brnaeem. Good post, mashaAllah! You wrote,
"These are very real issues created when fulfilling the responsibilities of..."
I find the acceptance and management of these social matters particularly important.
In the US for example, the general census is not only that polygyny immoral but it is unnecessary. But the reality is that the values and ethics concerning marriage within the US are being challenged. And challenged in a number of ways which include homosexual matrimonials.
The reality is that the definition of marriage in the American society is established by the State. So obviously the State will prefer an institution which is controllable and easier to manage on a case by case basis.
As far as immorality is concerned. This is a false claim because the origin of source of morality in our society, the Abrahamic faiths, have and continue to support polygyny as a means to lawfully support women and establish certain rights within society.
The practicality and benefit of polygyny is not even a question. Examples of success can be easily found, even in the US.
-Saifuddin
AA Naeem. Sahra here. I totally agree that, at least in the U.S., where polgyny is the least necessary, that it is practiced by the least able, and hence the great turn-off to do it by most women.
"I view polygyny as a means of providing for women when there is a dearth of men capable of providing for these women." - that is how it should be viewed by all men. This is the crux. Excellent point!
BismillaharRahmanirRahim
as-salaamu 'alaikum Suroor. You wrote,
"I view polygyny as a means of providing for women when there is a dearth of men capable of providing for these women."
I agree. But how does this logic apply to a society that prefers the women to broker the duties of a mother and wife off to goods and service providers as a norm.
This is the case that I find living in New York City. Women in general prefer to work full time jobs as opposed to full time care of their families. So I not sure if the logic for polygyny makes much since for this society.
Keep in mind, this is also a society that accepts extra marital affairs and rearing children from these flings as tolerable while punishing polygynists, who care and provide for their families, with prison terms.
-Saifuddin
Salaam Naeem,
You wrote: I don't see it through the twisted lenses of men who are looking for kinky, sexual pleasures. I don't accept that lame excuse that it helps curb adultery. I don't buy the statistical argument that there are more women than men. I don't paint my opinion of Islamic polygyny with the abuses of the countless men indulging in their sexual fantasies.
I think I pretty much agree with you here. I really don't like to hear people try to "justify" polygyny, especially when they frame it in such a way as to suggest to women in particular that it is a /preferable/ state for all of them and they should /settle/ for it because they aren't worth more.
I've just heard it so poorly justified so many times I'm sick of it really. And I support it honestly, but I prefer what I think is a more realistic view: some people are capable of it and prefer it--it shouldn't have to be on the table for every couple. In reality there are additional responsibilities on both the husband and wives. But all too often polygyny rears its head in the speech of a misogynist who cares little for the sanctity and trusting relationship that a marriage ought to provide.
I just want to say though that people in the USA do not "accept" adultery. It is absolutely abhorred in almost every circle and happens with such people who would not be satisfied with any number of spouses. Women commit adultery too so if polygamy cures adultery then those women ought to be allowed multiple husbands, right? Yeah, pretty stupid.
But the worst justification I have heard is where a man suggested that the wife would no longer be attractive to the husband and so he ought to be able to remarry and she is supposed to find that preferable to divorce. It sounded to me a slap in the face, that the only value she has as a wife was beauty. And I think those are the sort of sickos who make polygyny look bad--the ones who seriously devalue women in their justification.
Is it not possible for people to believe that some women would actually prefer a polygynous (over a monogamous) lifestyle?
AA- Saifuddin,
Thank you for your thoughtful remarks,
"In the US for example, the general census is not only that polygyny immoral but it is unnecessary. But the reality is that the values and ethics concerning marriage within the US are being challenged"
True, but how does this address the antagonism towards polygyny in many Muslim countries?
"The practicality and benefit of polygyny is not even a question"
However, presenting this practicality and benefit of polygyny is NOT going to change the hearts and minds of so many Muslims who are simply rejecting the practice.
As nice as our dear sister Aaminah's comment was where she listed some of the benefits (in my last post) and as successful as the picture portrayed in the NPR piece may be (linked in your comment), that is just not cutting it for the vast majority who are repulsed by the inhumanity of it all.
I'm not asking for those of us who support it (or practice it) to get on the defensive and start citing examples of successful polygyny.
However, I'm thinking bigger picture here and am worried about this widespread disgust against all-things-polygyny. This attitude needs to change.
"But how does this logic apply to a society that prefers the women to broker the duties of a mother and wife off to goods and service providers as a norm…Women in general prefer to work full time jobs as opposed to full time care of their families. So I not sure if the logic for polygyny makes much since for this society."
Not sure what point your making here?
AA- Amy,
"I prefer what I think is a more realistic view: some people are capable of it and prefer it--it shouldn't have to be on the table for every couple."
I absolutely agree that it shouldn't be expected of every couple. But my beef is with those couples who *should* partake in it, out of social responsibility, but refuse to.
I have no problem with a couple agreeing to a second wife for whatever reason – desire for kids (in cases of infertility), husband is horny, help in raising kids, etc. – that is their prerogative.
And I have no problem with a couple choosing to stick to a monogamous relationship, as that is the norm.
But what happens when there is a societal responsibility for men to support women and orphans (especially in war-torn areas with countless widows or inner cities with high number of single mothers), yet they shirk their responsibility, due to cultural and social pressures?
Br naeem...this is bigger than you and I.
to have a problem with those couples who 'should' partake in this...well what if there is a couple who has no kids. and let's suppose its because the wife is infertile. what are we going to do?
Are we going to tell the husband, like a typical pakistani mother in law to take a second wife even if the husband/wife are content w/ their situation? and basically cause fitna in the life of the first wife?
I dont know. yes there are benefits and what not. but this is not an easy thing.
and it is interesting to note that when the prophet was married to khadija(ra) whom he had a family/kids with, he didnt take another wife.
he only took other wives when there was social responsibility that called for it. like to make ties w/ his closest freinds. to make ties between tribes. help out a widow with kids. etc.
If only men who opt for polygyny seen as as you see it br Naeem.
"I view polygyny as a most effective means of caring for orphans and single mothers."
Why do you think polygyny is a most effective means of caring for orphans and single mothers?
I would have thought appropriate state welfare mechanisms and flexible work conditions that allow single mothers to work would have been more effective methods.
AA- Anon,
“I would have thought appropriate state welfare mechanisms and flexible work conditions that allow single mothers to work would have been more effective methods.”
If their only purpose of existence is to be consumers and economical agents, then sure, I agree with you. But these individuals have more than merely financial needs. What about a father figure, to teach them, discipline them, and love them? Or a husband to provide a shoulder to cry on?
A healthy family environment which can provide a proper spiritual and moral setting is no comparison to state mechanisms – even if that family environment isn’t of the ideal one man-one woman variety.
I don't see why we should talk about the care of orphans and single-mothers as if they were in the same category.
Firstly, regarding the care of orphans, where does polygyny enter the equation? If it's a healthy family environment that's required, what is wrong with the adoption of orphans into monogamous families?
Secondly, regarding single mothers, why do you lump them together with orphans as if they have no agency of their own? Single-mothers (and single-fathers) require certain considerations to enable them to support their families but they're a long way off from needing the same sort of care as orphans.
I don't think state welfare mechanisms and single-mother friendly work conditions merely satisfy financial needs (the importance of which should not be underestimated). More importantly, they engender a degree of independence. Polygyny as a way to 'care' for single mothers seems to me, to create an environment of dependence (on the goodwill of a man). And dependence, I believe, is the breeding ground of exploitation.
AA- Anon,
Thank you for indulging me.
"Firstly, regarding the care of orphans, where does polygyny enter the equation?"
I was referring to orphans who are without father. Obviously an orphan with neither parent alive does not benefit from polygyny. I would also include children with single mothers in this category. In many cases, the father is too far removed to play any role in the child's life.
"Secondly, regarding single mothers, why do you lump them together with orphans as if they have no agency of their own? Single-mothers (and single-fathers) require certain considerations to enable them to support their families but they're a long way off from needing the same sort of care as orphans."
My 'lumping' orphans and single-mothers together was for expediency in expressing my argument. I didn't include women who are divorced or can't get married, but they also fit into my logic of justifying the social value of polygyny.
"I don't think state welfare mechanisms and single-mother friendly work conditions merely satisfy financial needs (the importance of which should not be underestimated). More importantly, they engender a degree of independence."
I can agree with that statement. However, I don't beleive that the independence gained is outweighed by the emotional, spiritual, and physical support that is sorely missing in a welfare system.
"Polygyny as a way to 'care' for single mothers seems to me, to create an environment of dependence (on the goodwill of a man). And dependence, I believe, is the breeding ground of exploitation."
I agree 100% with that last statement. But is the solution to simply do away with all forms of dependence? or to curtail those who prey on the weak segment of our society?
A child is dependent on the parents, who may in turn exploit the child. So using your logic, should we take away all children from their parents? The same can be said for many monogamous marriages. So should they also be avoided?
Not sure if I'm understanding your logic, but it sure seems to lead to quite an absurd extreme.
I tried to be very clear in my post that not all men are worthy of practicing polygyny. But why must it be that the abuse and exploitation of Islamic polygyny results in our blanket condemnation of the practice?
We don't do that with Jihad, so why are we doing that with polygyny?
id like to know how does your first wife feel and how you compensate her feelings where she is weak .....so that she does not feel that ....
????? a sister looking for answers and trying to feel ok with it all thanks
AA- Anon,
"id like to know how does your first wife feel and how you compensate her feelings where she is weak .....so that she does not feel that ...."
I'm sorry but I'm not going to be of much help to you here. I have one wife so I can't relate to your current difficulties.
If I may, I would suggest you visiting some blogs or websites where people in polgynous marriages are sharing their experiences.
Truly this issue of multiple wives is extremely complex and sensitive and ought to be dealt with the proper perspective.
I pray that Allah (swt) bring Sakina and peace into your life.
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