I would like to direct you all to this very interesting article which includes some thought-provoking comments. Here’s what I’m currently thinking about it:
In this hypersexualized society where intimate intimations are readily found on corner billboards and waiting-room magazines, what to say of the more in-your-face tactics of TV, movies, and the Internet, young Muslim parents are struggling with the daunting task of broaching this most sensitive of topics to their children.
There are basically two approaches as I see it. Do as my father did, namely ignore the gory details and stick to the core Islamic principles in hopes that I survive the monsoon season of adolescence sheltered in the bunker of my Islamic beliefs and values. Or we can come to terms with the sexualization of our times and introduce the youth to Islamic sexual education, arming them with the knowledge to fend off the attacks of society’s depraved frontline.
Before we choose which method is best for our children, we must understand the narrative in which we operate. Are we going to promote the model of current society in which the youth delay marriage until their mid-to-late 20’s or even early 30’s? Or do we establish our own Muslim norm and buck the system of ‘teenage-hood’ by introducing our post-puberty children to the institution of marriage and all its beautiful nuances, only one of which requires sexual education?
I say that if we choose the former, allowing our children to postpone marriage, we will then be forced to choose the path of introducing halal sexual education to our teenagers. We will be forced to dealing with issues of dating, teen pregnancy, masturbation, and so on. We will be placing our children in the most difficult of paradoxes – live in this society of sex-in-your-face while demanding they maintain piety-in-the-heart – “Oh and here’s a few lectures on sex ed to help you out.”
I propose that we change our approach and begin the destruction of the teenager concept by introducing our young adults to marriage. Let us become the nation who conquered this most vile of modern constructs. And the ideal ax with which to destroy this 'teen idol' (pun intended) is the institution of marriage.
For sure one of the most common justifications for not marrying our children at young ages (besides the need to finish their education) is their lack of maturity. You think?! If we’re constantly exposing our youth to Nintendo, Hollywood and the NFL/NBA, I wouldn’t trust them raising my turtles much less their own children. If we continue to treat them like children, they will be more than happy to return the favor.
Instead, if and when they show the urge towards early sexuality, let us not stifle it with talk of puppy love or teenage hormones. Let us approach them as the young adults they are (or at least ought to be) and mould and nurture this most natural of inclinations.
By hurling sexual education at this monster of a problem, we are only feeding into its desires. Let us refrain from using stopgap solutions and address the core of the issue. Islam is a natural way of life. The onset of puberty is natural. The ensuing sexual desires are also natural. And as our dear Prophet (saw) taught us, the only natural solution is marriage.
Too often we hear the famous Hadith where the Prophet advised young men to fast in order to control their sexual energy. We have conveniently forgotten the first half where the Prophet counseled the youth to marry (and note that his definition of young people was not college graduates!).
This approach to selectively practicing the Sunnah reminds me of the famous hadith on eating, where the Prophet taught us to eat one-third, drink one-third, and leave the last third of our stomachs empty. We use that mathematical breakdown as the Prophetic standard, forgetting the first half of the hadith where he stated:
"…Enough for any son of Adam are some bits of food to keep his back straight. If it must be, then one third for his food, one third for his drink and one third for his breath.” (At-Tirmidhi)
The actual Prophetic teaching is to eat just enough to keep your back straight. That is the REAL Sunnah. The one-third is merely an allowance for those of us who can’t control our appetites.
We must alter our misguided mindset that has been influenced by the materialistic notions of modernity. We must break the unnatural sequence of child to teenager to college student to young adult establishing career to finally husband/wife.
Am I proposing that we close off all channels of communication between parents and children? Absolutely not. I am just making a distinction in the context in which the questions are posed.
I would much rather have my adolescent son ask me why his wife gets upset every month or my daughter ask why her husband is so stubborn than to explain to them why their high-school peers are dating and they aren’t. I would rather have them struggle with the complexities of a marital relationship than struggle to create their own chaste space amongst their promiscuous schoolmates.
In the world I envision, Islamic sexual education would not be veiled behind social taboos nor would it be an instrument to blunt the natural urges of young adults. Rather, it would consist of teaching the adaab (etiquettes) of sexual education to couples preparing for marriage, not teenage kids worried about the next school mixer.
The Drumlanrig jolly
1 week ago
25 comments:
well naeem.im addicted to nintento/nfl.....and i seem to be okay. i could raise a turtle.....or you better hope i can cause im currently babysitting your son :p
hi naeem - first time blogger long time faithful reader!
i agree that kids should get married at a younger age - this myth that our parents carry around about getting a degree before you marry is non-sensical. i think i've proved that you can get married at 18, have 2 kids and do a law degree if thats what u want to do (so i did). im not trying to blow my own trumpet, all im saying is that its do-able.
i also dont get this 'lets get the kids engaged for 2 years before we marry them off' - just look around our family for plenty of examples - you know you're going to get married so why wait and let the kids run around and do a more acceptable (to the parents), less controversial version of 'dating'??
so im with you brother! my kids will be married as soon as they're legal!! thats my two cents - im not as good a writer as you are naeem, but i hope i made sense..
love the bloggs keep em coming!!
Bilal: you said '....and i seem to be okay.'
"seem" is the operative word here. I can say alot more, but since a Hafiz of Quran gets to free 70 from hellfire, I'll stay quiet and try to keep on your good side. :-)
Rabia, good points. I think it really comes down to trusting Allah. Our brains, as parents, tell us that to wait for a husband with good character AND a good job, forgetting that the rizq (sustenance) is *only* from Allah.
As you prove yourself, the impossible becomes possible when done with faith in Allah.
If our intentions are pure (to please Allah by protecting our children from sin), then marrying them at a young age will have the blessing of the Most High.
Can't beat that.
May Allah purify your intentions and aid you in your lofty goals!
WA-
I think that when our parents were young ,they did not face the promiscuity-promoting media. So , they did not feel the same temptation as we face now. So , they might misunderstand the present situation and think that their young children can easily delay the marriage.
So , one solution is that Imams should advise the people during Jummah Kutbah about the
importance of early marriage.
whispering_soul, Excellent point! I agree that many parents are completely out of touch with the difficulties being faced by their adolescent children. If they knew, I'm sure many would be running to early marriages. Or at least take away the cell phone and keys to the car. :-)
Naeem, excellent blog! I am in total agreement and if Naeem does not scare away all the boys from the girls, I will support them marrying whenever they are ready!
Was that "Rabia" Naeem's cousin from Australia I met a few years back in Baltimore? If so, HI RABIA! Do you remember me? What is up sister??? :-)
I came across this article and thought I should post it here:
http://www.islamfortoday.com/athar19.htm
Hello Naeem. It's my first visit to this blog, loving your work. I completely disagree on this issue though.
Firstly, I think sexual education should begin at pre-pubescent ages (when it is far too early to be thinking of marriage) with a particular emphasis on the biological aspect of how the body works and why it does the things it does. I've heard of studies that show that kids who receive sex ed generally end up having sex when they are older than kids who don't.
Secondly, encouraging marriage at younger ages would only work, imho, if there is a simultaneous increase in social acceptance of divorce and remarriage, particularly for women. It is unrealistic to expect teenagers, no matter how much they're treated as adults, to be able to make a life long commitment to someone. I've seen many couples who got married young divorce or separate when they hit middle age as the husband and wife have developed different priorities and different approaches to life.
While yes, many Muslim parents want to delay the marriage of their children until they've established their careers, others are all too willing to get their children married at the first seemingly opportune moment. Most are, however, somewhat more reluctant to support their children (once again, particularly daughters) in divorce if the marriage doesn't work out. Of course, divorce shouldn't be the first option for a marriage in difficulty, but it is cruel to refuse to support a divorce when all other reconciliation efforts have failed for fear of social censure.
Quite simply, sex alone is not a good enough reason for marriage.
I would just like to expand on what anon said (if there is anyone even here anyway). How are these 'children' supposed to support themselves? What about when they get pregnant? so, they are going to live with some in-laws who they are dependent on for support? What about all the extra pressures of that scenario on an immature person? Where does the self-respect and pride come from when you are pretending to be a grown-up yet you need the financial support of your parents? Who is watching the babies while these child-parents are finishing school so that they can be self-sufficient?
AA- Reality,
I think its worth reiterating that what I’m proposing (young marriages) will not work in our current society – major changes need to take place. Most importantly, a societal infrastructure needs to be created to support and nurture these young couples. Additionally, families would need to play a more active role in guiding and helping the young couple navigate the unchartered lands of marriage. So not only would the parents be assisting them, but the entire social structure would be geared to aid them in their life-long journey.
Secondly, I think there are two approaches to this issue. One school of thought (which is currently dominant) dictates that young adults need to first prepare themselves to become functional cogs in the capitalist system (through education, career, etc.) and equip themselves with the means to provide material sustenance for their spouses and children - and only afterwards should the thought of starting a family come into play.
I take the other route, which stresses the humanity of the individual and places a priority on their personal development over their economical functionality. I’m convinced that a young adult entering into marriage will mature much more quickly than his/her counterpart who is mired in the school/work mindset dictated by society.
Where is it required that a mother have a college degree to raise a child? How come its unbecoming to get financial and (more importantly) moral/spiritual support from the grandparents in raising children? Why is it wrong to be dependent on in-laws, especially in the early years of marriage? Why can’t the grandmother watch the child while the mother finishes school?
I’m all for returning to the old model of the entire extended family raising a child as opposed to the more isolated nuclear family doing it on their own.
Naeem, yuv made a good point, but I can tell you that growing up as kids are now, even without nintendo or what have you, early marriage is not for everyone.
However I think it is a viable solution for perhaps many. And I think early marriage itself can help pull them out of immaturity.
Now as for the financial support part, isn't it the Prophet saw who said ... if the men are ABLE..then marry...well that ability includes money.
All too often from what I've seen is that w/ a marriage where the man is not 'earning' and not that he's lazy but that he's young or in school, its actualy the girl's parents who end up supporting them more. Simply because alot of times its their daughter who all of a sudden has a different life because of the change in money so to support her and make it easy for her, the parents of hte girl will help out MORE.
And teh guy's parents are often like 'well you married them off so soon without the guy having finished college bla bla' so ok now you can deal w/ the consequences.
Oh i should clearify..im refering in the above paragraph to a very desi mentality that can exit/exists in the families of men who marry early, not w/ the complete support of their parents.
What you are talking about is also perhaps more doable in the west. I feel like in the east...ther'es just wayy too much culture and expectations around marriage for something so radical like this to happen on a bigger scale. my sister got married early to my brother in law but his parents seemed to have an issue w/ it. They lived w/ my parents for a while without his parents knowing cuz they were back home. I mean this is stupidity.
As for me. man..last night..i was telling my hubby we're gona marry our children young insh'allah. however LET ME TELL YOU. It ain't easy!
My brother who is like 20 now, almost done w/ school, has all this business experience since many years, mature, good w/ financial dealings, practicing, knowledgeable, health nut, polite, good looking, very social, A DECENT 'IT' beginning job/internship is having a problem getting married cuz basicaly girls' parents want a guy who is 'established' or this or that. or the girl herself isn't ready to be married off if she's between 18 or 20. or maybe they think 20 is just way too young. ok for the record he's 21 now lol.
u know what i mean? i feel for him. he's a good guy and im not just saying that cuz he's my bro.
on the other hand, my brother in law who is in his late twenties just got married to a girl who is also same age as him, and im like man ofcourse what happened happened w/ him and alhamdulillah he got married but its like can u imagine starting a family that late? getting to know eachother that late? its not impossible but this should start EARLY around early 20s..so you can enjoy each other's company and what not.
I got married at 23/24..and its taken me a few years to settle in w/ hubby and really get to know him n enjoy marriage life..and NOW im 28..so its like..if u start off at 28..yur sorta looking at having kids RIGHT AWAY. Which is fine but CHALLENGING.
and wow did marriage mature me and im still in the process. i was majorly protected and pampered growing up and perhaps spoiled too :-) and now im the 'mother'.
AA- Anon,
Thank you for your insight. Very interesting perspectives.
"My brother who is like 20 now, almost done w/ school, has all this business experience since many years, mature, good w/ financial dealings, practicing, knowledgeable, health nut, polite, good looking, very social, A DECENT 'IT' beginning job/internship is having a problem getting married cuz basicaly girls' parents want a guy who is 'established' or this or that"
I'm sorry to hear about your brother having a hard time. It really does upset me when good young Muslims are trying to get married and society is too fickle to appreciate their sincere efforts. I pray that Allah (swt) bless your brother with whatever is best for him.
"I got married at 23/24…and wow did marriage mature me and im still in the process."
And that's pretty much the gist of my argument. Marriage really does accelerate the maturation process.
Question for you, do you think you could have/should have gotten married at an earlier age?
Here is something i found about marriage. I've included the link at the end. I think age doesnt matter as long as any person capable of maintaining the family and other things mentioned below.
===============================
To summarize what the fuqaha have mentioned, we can divide the ruling on marrying into six categories:
1) Obligatory (fard). This is when an individual has an overwhelming level of sexual desire in a way that he/she is certain of committing fornication (zina), and there is nothing besides marriage to prevent him/her, provided one (the male) has the financial means to marry, and that one does not fear being unjust or oppressive to the spouse.
2) Necessary (wajib). This is when an individual has an overwhelming level of sexual desire in a way that one fears committing fornication, or one cannot prevent himself from looking at the unlawful or from masturbation, provided one has the financial means to marry, and that one does not fear being unjust or oppressive to the spouse.
3) Emphasized and confirmed Sunnah (sunnah al-Mu?akkadah). This is for an individual who is in a moderate state, in that the sexual desire is not overwhelming as in the above two categories, and one is capable of having sexual intercourse, paying the dowry (mahr) and maintaining a wife. Also, one does not fear being unjust to the spouse and being neglectful of other obligatory acts.
4) Prohibitively disliked (makruh tahriman). This is for an individual who fears being unjust or oppressive to the spouse, even if there is an overwhelming level of sexual desire, for the rights of servants are given precedence over the right of Allah.
5) Unlawful (haram). This is when one is certain of being unjust or oppressive to the spouse, even if there is an overwhelming level of sexual desire.
6) Permissible (mubah). Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) adds this category quoting from Bahr al-Ra?iq. This is when one?s desire is not overwhelming; neither does one fear being unjust to the spouse. However, one marries solely to fulfil one?s needs and does not have an intention of implementing the Sunnah, for the reward of Sunnah will only be gained when one has the intention of following it or being chaste. If one marries with the intention of saving one?s self from sinning, it will be regarded as an act of Ibadah.
The above is the summary of what Imam al-Haskafi, Allama Ibn Abidin and other Hanafi Fuqaha (Allah have mercy on them all) have explained in their respective works. As such, each individual would qualify to be included in one of the abovementioned six categories.
http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=3122&CATE=202
Wow. This is a very delicate topic. Being in 9th grade, I've dealt with Sex Ed three times now. (Since seven grade)
This is what happened in class...
*Bowl of Water, and three different colored dies next to it*
We have the media giving us message, Oh this is so good, cmon try it. *One drop Color 1*
We have parents telling us another thing, dont do it! *One Drop Color 2*
We have our hormones telling us just do it. *One Drop Color 3*
*Mix all the colors*
We get all these different messages telling us, oh do this and dont do it. It makes life crazy.
Later me and my friend (morals are very similar to that of a good Muslim, Born and raised as a good christian)
We were talking about how these "Hormones" that drive us..They only exist if you believe in them. If you tell yourself there is no such thing as hormones then your only thinking there are hormones and acting in response to it.
Interesting Post.
-The Muslim Kid-
Good article but there r many things preventing it...........
main one is "how do u get married", there is no system that sets us up, everyone/family is on their own to find their other half. Masjid doesn't do anything regarding this.
I am a girl and my parents at 16 told me if i feel a need for a bf, let them know and they will get me married. After HS they kept their eyes open but no one proposed.
We both wanted somone like me, maybe few years older, in same area (so i dont have to change my life around too much), can study in the univ, and live life as nothign big has changed.
But its impossible to find a person. Only proposal we got were guys over sea whom i have to support (at that age i couldn't) or somone far away, where i woudl have to leave my life and start over. Thats a lot of work for somone young.
living with IN-law isn't a problem except in desi cultuer the inlaws expect their Daughter in law to do all the cooking/cleaning n take over the girls life.
With all due respect, I think you should either raise your children in a Muslim country or you can trust them, educate them , pray, hope, whatever... Do your best as a father and at last give them the chance to mature and live one 'halal' thing at a GOOD time.
Promiscuous? As if it isnt equally shameful and disgusting to marry only for the sake of having sex.
Ya Allah!
Interesting topic...just one comment.
To hear Muslims go on about the joys of living in a "Muslim" country I can only say...
Your rose colored glasses need removing because living in such a country, if one actually exists, does nothing to prevent or promote a more Muslim like life style.
Sex in all its forms happens here just as much as anywhere else in the world...young, married, unmarried, rapes, molesters, pedophiles...you name it...we got it...and these are all Muslims doing it...and the scary thing about it is ...these are Muslims doing it!!
Its not WHERE you are but WHO you are that determines what kind of Muslim you are.
AA- CoolRed,
"because living in such a country, if one actually exists, does nothing to prevent or promote a more Muslim like life style."
A bit extreme don't you think? From my experience of living in KSA for 6 years, I feel that I've benefited in directing my family and myself towards a more Islamic lifestyle by living amongst Muslims.
At the same time, I agree with the general spirit of your final statement:
"Its not WHERE you are but WHO you are that determines what kind of Muslim you are."
"With all due respect, I think you should either raise your children in a Muslim country or you can trust them, educate them , pray, hope, whatever... Do your best as a father and at last give them the chance to mature and live one 'halal' thing at a GOOD time."
Typical denial and trying to wash hands off reality. The Muslim countries (including the one I live in) aren't much easy to live either, in a strictly halal and untempting way. You can't pretend sexual desire its something that exists only because of the media imagery (like smoking, alcohol, etc.).
This kind of surreality among denial among 'pious' Muslims is among the many factors that helped me understand Islam enough to leave it...
I might also add that places like Saudi are not bombarded with sexual images in advertising etc like we know it is in America...and yet sex is on the minds of absolutely everyone (ok I generalize but I "know" Im right on this one) ...the males are on the lookout for it (even if its only among themselves) and the girls are the Keepers of the Moral Center of the community...and if they fail to keep chaste they are labeled and ruined...but boys will be boys...(seems to be true no matter where you are in the world).
So we have 3 forms of sexual representation.
The West: rampant displays of sex which result in...a society that is very sexually aware and promiscous...unmarried sex...homosexual sex...abusive sex...as well as monogomous relationships...life long marriages and men and women that grow up with morals regardless of their surroundings.
The East: extreme censorship of sexual displays which result in...a society repressed and unable to express their sexual emotions adequately and properly...unable to deal with the opposite sex in an adult manner...unmarried sex...homosexual sex...abusive sex...and monogomous realtionships...life long marriages and men and women that grow up with morals regardless of their surroundings.
Then we have those such as nuns...priests etc who are forbidden to have sex...which can result in all of the above in variations of the above...with the addition of pedophilia being higher than normal among the clergy.
So it seems there is no middle ground when it comes to sex...if we are too open about it we have a sex based society...if we are closed minded about it we have a sex based society...and if we forbid it all together we have sexual perversions more often than not.
Wouldnt it be nice if we just let sex be what it is...(as long as it concerns two consenting adults) and leave religion out of it. If people are inclined to wait until marriage then they will wait...if not they wont. Why should WE (the average person) care so much about what other people are doing (as long as its not hurting someone else). If there is punishment to be meted out for breaking some religious law or another...let God do the punishing...and that will let the rest of us get on with our own lives and not worry so much about who is sleeping with who.
Teens getting married is fine if teens are capable of handling marriage. Most teens cant take care of a pet adequately but you expect them to handle marriage well?
AA- CoolRed,
I think we can both argue till the cows come home on the pros and cons of the differing approaches towards sex in east vs west - even citing countless studies and performing statistical gymnastics to further our arguments. So I just won't go there.
I'll just pick on your last statement: "Most teens cant take care of a pet adequately but you expect them to handle marriage well?"
And that is exactly the point of my post. We need to change the way our kids are being raised - with social constructs such as teenager and tween that absolve them of responsibility and maturity.
Instead of giving in to our societies failed methods of raising kids, why not strive to change them and struggle to imbue a sense of adulthood into our 'teenagers' and quit treating them as kids.
I'll concede that throwing them into a marriage isn't the ideal solution, but lets at least start the process to get our young adult children prepared for such levels of responsibility and commitment.
Alhamdulillah may Allah bless ya brother!
Keep doing what you gotta do and never let feedbacks affect your writing.
I'm a typical 17 year old Muslimah so you can imagine how I feel after reading this post. I've always seen marriage as something so beautiful and bla blah blah... But my father (with all due respect to him) disagrees in my opinion which leaves me wondering. Because he was the reason I'm close to Islam and Allah. But he just can't see it our way.
Do you think he might be right?or just skip all tht and show him this post
Assalaam Alaikum brother Naeem,
Excellent post! I agree 100%. As a young adult, I personlly understand how difficult it is in this hypersexualized society trying to be a good Muslimah while at the same time being bombarded with the fairytale love stories, peers in college dating and images seen in the media. And let me say, it was far more overwhelming in high school.
Young marriage, although as pointed out may not be the solution for everyone, is certainly a viable one and more importantly, was emphasized by the Prophet (SAW). I strongly believe parents need to understand that the fitna youth face in this society is completely different from what they faced. But the real issue is getting them to understand this. I'm really glad that the issue of marriage is being highlighted more and more these days.
May Allah (SWT) protect the youth from the fitna of this society.
you are a syco naeem did you every thought of its you beeing sick and not the islam
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