I would like to turn your attention to this beautiful post over at Sand Gets In My Eyes. She read my post on Sexual Education and gave me her two cents (plus a few more!).
As I began to write my reply, it ended up so wordy, I decided to make it into a full-fledged post. Plus I felt you all would benefit from this discussion, as I definitely have. Here is my response:
Salaam SGIME,
I'm very glad to hear an opposing viewpoint, one which challenges my stances. Let me start by admitting that this discussion on parenting and sex-ed is one that I am struggling with. I am in no position to claim any absolutes (having two young children years from adolescence). I hope that spirit was clear in my post.
Having said that, I think you misread (or I may have mis-stated) the crux of my post since I find myself agreeing with most everything you said. I clearly believe that sexual education is a necessity for every young adult. Either they will learn it from parents, teachers, and textbooks, or worse (peers, media, etc.). There is no denying that.
My argument is that we ought to introduce this most delicate of subjects within the context of marriage - a responsible, viable outlet for adolescent curiosity and more importantly an ideal conduit into the realm of adulthood. Please note that I am not shirking the responsibilities of the parent by introducing marriage to young adults in hope of avoiding the 'sticky talks about the birds and the bees'. In fact, I would continue to keep the lines of communication open as I explicitly stated (and you quoted):
“I would much rather have my adolescent son ask me why his wife gets upset every month or my daughter ask why her husband is so stubborn than to explain to them why their high-school peers are dating and they aren’t.”
Another point worth considering is that you are working from a social model in which teenagers are coddled and protected from the difficulties of life until they reach their mid-20's when they are finally considered 'adults' (let's not forget the 'basement adult' phenomenon - people in their 30's living in the basement of their parents). I don't accept that paradigm. That is at the root of my original post (as well as this post) – the need to rid ourselves of this culture of immaturity.
I believe that young adults (commonly referred to as teenagers) are very capable of appreciating the beautiful shades of marriage, that special relationship with the opposite sex (I myself was 20, my wife 19 and I've seen many examples of younger couples). Of course, marriage is not suitable for our current-day Nintendo teenagers who are incapable of mature thoughts much less mature relationships. I wouldn't suggest throwing these types of youth to the wolves of marital toil.
It is essential to construct a social infrastructure that supports the institution of young marriages. We can not expect young marriages to succeed within a society that glamorizes the swinging single, openly promotes infidelity, demonizes the in-laws, and allows for unchecked mixing of the opposite sex. To the surprise of no one, even 'old' marriages have a hard time flourishing in such an environment!
Having married and entered into a commitment that general society supports and nurtures, this young couple will accelerate their maturity curve and discover more about the real world than any young teenager going through the ups and downs of dating, clubbing and experimenting with multiple partners.
One final point. I purposely never used the term 'marry off' as I find its underlying meanings reprehensible. I believe that marrying young adults is a life-long project undertaken by two *families*, not a shortcut to get kids out of the house. Marrying our young adults is not dodging the responsibility of parenting, rather it is embracing it and taking it to the next level.
Give me some time to look over the CLASP report. I just wanted to clarify my position for now. :-) I hope I addressed your points of contention.
Take care,
Naeem
PS. Imagine a society embracing young marriages. There would cease to be a market for boy bands! Woohoo! Where's that bad in that? ;-) These young women would be too busy living a reality in their marriages as opposed to living a dream in their minds.
WAW
2 days ago
9 comments:
Naeem - There is, of course, common ground between us and I thank you for taking the time to share it with me. I wish you luck with your kids – gosh I remember how easy those years were! Today our four kids range from 21 to 17. We’ve been through – or are nearly through – the tough teen years, and brighter skies are on the horizon. God willing!
That said, there is a lot of uncommon ground between us as well.
From where I stand, sexual urges are biological urges just like all the others – eating, drinking and sleeping– for example. You would think me ridiculous if I suggested that self control was not needed – or beneficial - in dealing with those other urges.
Ramadan is, I think, a great example of controlling natural urges. It is also proof that those urges can be controlled if there is proper motivation, social encouragement and personal responsibility. The same can be said for sexual urges. Sure young men and women have sexual urges, but they must be taught, trained and encouraged to control those urges.
In other words, saying that the best response to premarital sex is early marriage is removing the necessity of self control. That, in my opinion, is setting kids – and society – up for failure. Social chaos is, after all, the wide-spread absence of self control.
Much better to address the need for self control, respect and responsibility – all of which go hand-in-hand with abstinence – than to provide an “easy out” for kids who lack those same qualities.
As for the model I’m working under, I see little difference between a “basement adult” and a Saudi man or woman who is required to live in the family home until marriage. Both are sheltered from the realities of making it – or not making it - on their own and both are ill equipped to succeed in life, not to mention married life.
I do, however, agree that the culture of immaturity is not doing anyone any good – but contend that immaturity isn’t age specific. I know very mature young adults and I know very immature older adults. Marriage needs to be between an emotionally mature man and an emotionally mature woman – regardless of age (within bounds of course!)
And finally, I totally agree that society needs to be supportive of marriage – and this opens up a whole ‘nother can of worms, as they say! My definition of marriage and yours are likely not the same since I’ve never been able to get my hands around plural marriages, holiday marriages, friend marriages, education marriages, by-the-hour marriages, co-wives and the seemingly infinite and imaginative ways of codifying infidelity and lack of that same sexual self control that started this whole debate!
Again, I appreciate your insights into the topic and the clarifying challenge to my own way of thinking.
(PS oh and don't think for a minute boy bands would be the only musicians obsoleted!)
Yeah, what she said.
Salaam to all,
Interesting discussion, I must say. I may not be as eloquent as you regular bloggers, but I feel the need (or should I say, uncontrollable urge) to partake in this discussion.
I agree with SGIME's veiwpoint that sexual urges are biological urges and, at one point or another, we are going to have to learn and practice self-control. But it is here that I would like to remind ourselves of the forgotten true essence of Islam:
1. Islam is a religion of prevention, right from the first step. For example, drinking even a single drop of alcohol is not allowed, as it opens the avenue to becoming an outright alcoholic, and all the social and health hazards that come along with it. Similarly, unnecessary intermingling with the opposite sex is not allowed in Islam as it opens the gateway to unlawful sex. So, the basic approach of Islam is not to challenge its followers to control their urges; rather to stay away from it right from the outset. Remember, the shaitaan is a powerful being; without the help of Allah, us helpless humans would not stand a chance against him. So in no way should we even try to challenge him - we would just be playing with matches.
2. In Islam, it is the duty of those in charge to provide a conducive environment for the rest of the followers - at a larger scale, that would be the ameer-ul-momineen; in this case, it would be the parents. Permitting early marriage is one way of doing just that. But, as SGIME mentioned, sexual urges will remain even after marriage. However, there would then be a lawful outlet to divert those urges.
On the other hand, marriage is not the only solution. Continous tazkiah (purification of the soul) is required and it remains the duty of the parents to remind the children of the importance of self-control, even after marriage.
I hope I have gotten my point across. :-)
I wanted to clarify that I'm not advocating young marriage *solely* for the purpose of preserving chastity. That is only one of the many benefits of young marriages.
As I've gone further into this discussion and heard that varying opinions, I agree that introducing teens to marriage FOR THE SAKE of sidestepping the whole control issue would indeed be poor parenting and I would reject that.
However, as I said multiple times, I believe that young marriage is a good stepping stone into adulthood and would accelerate the maturation process. I speak from experience, although I was a 20yr old geezer. ;-)
I don't believe that a young couple needs to be FULLY developed as adults in order to be ready for marriage just as I don't believe they don't need to be FULLY in love. Both are processes that take place in the course of the marriage.
SGIME, you said:
'My definition of marriage and yours are likely not the same since I’ve never been able to get my hands around plural marriages, holiday marriages, friend marriages, education marriages, by-the-hour marriages, co-wives and the seemingly infinite and imaginative ways of codifying infidelity and lack of that same sexual self control that started this whole debate!'
Sadly marriage has become a farce by which too many Muslim cultures find 'imaginative ways of codifying infidelity' and lack of control. I too reject those various mechanisms such as traveling marriage, education marriage, temporary marriage and the sort.
So how do you think our conceptions of marriage differ, especially in the context of this overall thread?
Naeem
Naeem - It's been my experience that my view of marriage and those of the Saudi people I know here differ. I brushed you with that same brush and apologize. Thanks for the clarification!
Junaid - thanks to you also for the clarification, tho I still contend that self control is necessary. Prevention is honorable, but it is not always possible - ie the imagination. When that happens, self control steps up. When self control is absent, well then there's a mushkala!
This is a great discussion. Thanks for including me in it!
SGMIE,
I wanted to address your point on self-control. I don't see marriage (early or not) as a means of halting our licentious desires. Like my married friend responded to my protest of him eyeing another woman, 'Hey I'm married, not buried'. Once puberty has unleashed the beast of our sexual desires, there is a lifetime of self-control ahead of us.
That's why Ramadan is such a critical part of the Muslim identity. It’s a yearly month-long reminder of our need to keep our desires in check, whether for food, TV, sex or any other carnal desires we have.
You are correct that it would be illogical to not teach restraint and responsibility when it comes to other biological urges such as eating and sleeping. But I counter that it is equally illogical to ask them to completely abstain from these biological impulses. We must teach them the right way to satisfy these urges. We must be practical in providing for them a vehicle to fulfill their needs. Marriage, IMO, is that vehicle.
And I don't see how early marriage is teaching the youth to 'surge the urge' and do away with all sense of self-control. Rather we are teaching them that life is about licit and illicit means of fulfilling the desires. By marrying my son at a young age, am I giving him a license to sow his seeds with every woman he meets? Am I teaching him to disrespect the opposite sex?
You said: "Much better to address the need for self control, respect and responsibility – all of which go hand-in-hand with abstinence – than to provide an “easy out” for kids who lack those same qualities."
Dear SGMIE, what is it about early marriage (as I have discussed it, not the way it may be commonly abused) that leads you to believe that it is an 'easy out' from addressing self-control, respect, and responsibility?
Finally, allow me to delve into your personal life by asking if you allowed your teens to date? If so, what was the purpose behind their dating? Was it to find a suitable future spouse? Was it to appease societal pressures? How did their act of dating sync with your teachings of self-control, respect, and responsibility? (I will accept 'piss off!' as a legitimate answer with no hard feelings)
Looking forward to more of your insightful thoughts.
Naeem - hehe so many questions!
Easy way out - I want ice cream. I crave ice cream. Rather than encouraging me to wait until after dinner, my parents give me a bowl of ice cream. I have learned nothing about self control but I sure am enjoying the heck out of that ice cream!
As far as teaching kids the right way to satifsy urges, what about teaching them to control those urges until a later time, to put off instant gratification?
The lesson taught through early marriage is that a) I have an urge b) I satisfy that urge through some "right" channel c) I don't need self control because there will always be another "right" channel.
This lesson is evident (and I would suggest a primary reason behind) all those other so-called marriages we both seem to disdain.
A married man sees a woman he lusts after. He satisfies that lust the same way he satisfied the previous sexual urge - through a "right" channel. And if the channel isn't available, he makes one up! And the next time? Same thing UNLESS he masters self control! So, to answer your question, in a very real way yes, you would be teaching your son to sow his wild oats with any woman he comes across - that's willing to compromise herself for a "fake" marriage.
As far as my kids - sure - they have all dated and for various reasons. Sometimes just to get to know another person better, sometimes to get to know themselves better. I think that's the role of dating.
Junaid, very funny (the first line). I think that we all pretty much agree. Teens should have the option to marry if they cannot wait because believe it or not some can't! But many can and do and that is also great. Regardless of which group they fall, they should all learn as teens what marriage and relationships are about IN ISLAM! Lets not forget that Muhammad pbuh married first at age 25 (the age at which I married but would have been much earlier if Naeem Muhammad wasn't busy being a slacker *wink*)! The age 25 thing really had no point other than being pointed out! I will say though, in the good ole US of A it is not even our choice at what point we teach our kids about sexual ed. I have had to teach SOME things to my tiny five and six year olds for their own protection! And cuz they keep asking!!! Aye! Lovely discussion though, thanks all!
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