Maryam and Humza are in the process of learning to swim. Our compound has a nice sized 8-lane pool which is rarely ever used, so we try to take advantage whenever we have time.
Humza’s gotten the hang of it, while Maryam is slowly progressing. The other day, I was pleasantly surprised when Maryam was able to swim across the width of the pool without any assistance.
So on the car ride home, I asked her what she was thinking as she swam across. She replied, ‘I was thinking to make Abujee (that’s me) proud, to make Mama proud, and I wanted to make Allah proud.’
Very nice, I thought. But something was missing.
If you were raised in the West (which I was) or a regular viewer of Oprah (which I am not), you’ll immediately pick it up.
Figure it out?
She didn’t mention that she wanted to be proud of herself.
The hardcore Pakistani father inside me thought ‘Damn straight’ (with a desi accent, of course) – she’s got her priorities in order. No need to fall for all this Dr. Phil mumbo jumbo, love-yourself-before-you-love-others crap. Please Allah and please the parents and everything else will fall into place.
The liberal American-born Muppie (Muslim Urban Professional) inside me thought I should be concerned about her (potential) lack of self-esteem. Don’t I want to raise her to please her own conscience before trying to please anyone else? Isn’t this the type of personality that is susceptible to spousal abuse?
Ideally, the middle ground is the best, where the individual is pleased with him/herself while also striving to please Allah and the parents. But I’ve seen too many kids raised in the West carrying the ‘What about *me* and what *I* want’ attitude.
That scares me.
I’m hesitantly leaning towards erring on the side of caution and raising my children free from egomaniacal tendencies and unhealthy extremes of self-pride by avoiding all talk of making yourself proud.
Not convinced that's the right decision.
In the end, I chose silence, sending Maryam off with a good ‘Shabaash’ (‘atta boy’ in Urdu).
For now.
WAW
2 days ago
12 comments:
I think you did the right thing! On a similar note.. I remember attending a lecture once where the speaker mentioned how people proudly claim they're self made.
He then went ahead to mention how there is no such thing as being self made for a Muslim. Whatever good a Muslim achieves is purely from the grace of Allah.
May Allah guide us all through his infinite mercy.
Interesting dilemma. I think at one point or another, with parents who were raised in the west, the me-ness will always come in eventually. Also, I think that even in desi-land or the ME, doing things for the self is much MUCH more than it was before. Maybe almost as much as in the US/UK.
Yup, interesting dilemma indeed. I think being proud of yourself comes from making your parents and (presumably) Allah (swt) proud. When I graduated law school, I didnt think of it as a big deal until I saw how proud my father was of me on graduation day.
Muse
AA-
@islamblog, yeah the whole self-made phenomenon is creepy to me as well. What arrogance, eh?
@sophister, hmmmm, why do you think the ME-ness is inevitable with parents raised in the west?
@Muse, great example. My father's look of disappointment kills me while the rare expression of pride is greater than the world.
Salaam Naeem,
I think it comes with time - self-esteem and being proud of oneself. In my experience children learn it around age 12.
Mashallah my Mariam is extremely smart and whenever I ask her if she is proud of herself after an achievement she asks, "Are you?" Every time. I think she will learn with time to be happy with herself. At least I hope she does because I want her to like herself in a healthy way. On the other hand my son is already narcissist and thinks he is the best with the most enormous muscles like Batman! :)
Salaam Naeem! I think that in a loving, nurturing, educating environment, it is natural for kids to develop self-esteem because they automatically learn that they should treat others with respect and know that is how they should be treated as well. We don't beat our kids and curse at them and then turn around and tell how great they are and should be proud of themselves! I know that if Basma or Jenna accomplish something and I say Masha'Allah, you did a good job, they get all giddy from having done something that pleases Allah and me (okay, and Naeem) and that makes them feel good about themselves. I am certain that is why Islam stresses showing kindness and mercy to children, that is how they will develop love and respect for the deen which is the only true way to feel good about oneself. No one heart will find peace without the remmbrance of Allah.
I have no idea what my point was!
AA-
@Suroor, "whenever I ask her if she is proud of herself after an achievement she asks, "Are you?""
So you are in fact teaching her to be proud of herself by simply asking her, no?
I'm wondering if that is explicitly necessary?
I like what Sahra said about self-esteem coming automatically in a loving, nurturing family environment.
Just not sure if we are being naive?
BrNaeem, (sorry if i offended w/leaving out the Br.!),
I think we are just raised like that over here. Our individuality is prized over EVERYTHING else. Priorities are ourselves as opposed to others. Although I think this is generally a negative way to go through life, it does have some benefits, in that it allows you to take good care of your offspring, and things like that.
But yeah, I think we really are duped into thinking that there are only two possibilities: being proud of yourself, or having no self esteem, when I think this is not true.
You do not have to actively think about whether you are living up to your own standards. Just live right according to what you follow, and your pride will be there.
I don't think I'm 'teaching' her per se but I do ask her. I think happiness on one’s achievements is part of becoming more independent.
I recently lost my father and I can tell you with an honest heart that it hurts very much to know that someone who used to be proud of you is no more. I don’t want my children to be obsessed by me, my presence, my approval. Sure it should be important for them to love me and want my happiness but what happens when I die and it is not necessary that I will leave them when they are old. I don’t want them to stop trying because two hands that clapped for them have become dust. I know how I suffered. I suspended my PhD studies when my father died and thought what’s the use when he won’t be able to read Dr. Khan written on my degree.
Also I think parents in the East are a little stagnant. They stop progressing/achieving and so their attention is fixed on their children’s challenges. Consequently, it is important for the children to “make Mummy/Daddy proud.” In the West mothers and fathers have their own fights to fight at work and their own contests to be won. Seriously, I don’t know many desi fathers who play tennis or golf and for whom victory in a match is important. I don’t know many desi mothers who are studying for their degrees and for whom the graduation day is important. But I have seen many online photo albums of desi parents happily smiling on the achievements of their children standing next to a graduate son or a swimmer daughter. To them it would be so unfair if the children became self-absorbed.
I’m still studying. I win awards for academic papers or conference presentations. I take exams for teaching certifications. I win awards for teaching excellence. I ask my family if they are happy. They tell me they are proud of me. At the same time I don’t feel guilty for feeling happy with myself. Had I been a full-time homemaker with one goal a day to ensure that I don’t burn the pilaf I think my approach would have been different towards this whole issue.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry that I don’t burn the pilaf and I also make sure everyone appreciates my cooking :)
AA
Wow, first time I think I’ve been disappointed in a point or idea that you were making. You are a big picture person but the bigger picture you are proposing is really short sighted. We probably need another generation of kids coming out of Islamic schools to realize the benefits and cons of this process. Islamic schools are still evolving, we only really have a 5-7 years worth of good data/information. I think Burgundy captures the essence of my thinking better so I won’t go into saying it again with similar words. The alternative of public schools is not worth it at the expense of having community seminars or the other ideas presented by you. The natural tendency of a parent is they are willing to spend in the sake of the kids and allah but not allah necessarily. The dollars spent on Islamic schooling wont be there for other things if Islamic schooling goes away. Also Baltimore Islamic schools are not a good barometer of how Islamic schools are run or perceived. All Islamic schools have room for improvement but so do Public schools. Having a muslim identity is so important and most parents are working to earn a living cannot do what an Islamic school does which is instill and supplement the Islamic principles and values along with the Islamic worshipping requirements like Arabic, Salat, and other aspects of Islamic ibadah that parents and Sunday school cannot provide adequately. I look at just the simple things of little girls wearing a uniform and scarf, so now they are introduced to that an early age of what it means to be a muslimah. Segregated classrooms in the later grades, it’s a concept being adopted by public schools even in forward thinking districts. Our kids in public school are exposed to garbage like birthdays and Halloween. I guess my point is that Islamic schools actually helps develop better Islamic homes, Muslim families and an Islamic Identity that we want to see.
P.S. Home-schooling is a viable alternative in talking to many people. MrEspy can and will do a blog on homeschooling very soon im sure based on this blog so we can all learn a little bit more on that option.
WS
PPS. I still love you brother naeem!
"muppie"...great term! I'll have to reference that in the future.
i think the attitude yur trying to instill in your kids is healthy.
However, this is the same attitude that is instilled in a lot of kids in pakistan i think, to the point that yu'll see grown men putty in the hands of their parents, and then wrong their wives and kids as a result.
So yeh keeping out the 'ME-ness' is good to a limit because in the west there is a bit TOO MUCH focus on the ME-ness.
But you also want a thinking independent individual who can DISAGREE with the wrong the parent may tell them to do.
Just like Allah says ...
be kind to them and if they order you to do wrong, obey them not(not beat them, insult them etc etc.)
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