I'm not looking to pick a fight here or anything. The only subject more overhyped in the Muslim blogosphere than polygamy is hijab, so I'm not looking to revisit all the pros and cons of multiple wives.
I just want to see what people think about this semi-hypothetical situation:
A 34-year old sister is living with her parents after years of failed attempts at finding a suitor. Her family hasn't helped as they've rejected a few applicants due to petty cultural issues. She's become so desperate at wanting a child that she recently adopted an orphan baby.
A few weeks ago, a respectable business man in the community approached the father with a proposal that would make the daughter his second wife. The father laughed at the idea, followed by an immediate rejection. When the father came home and brought it up with the family, the daughter, after pondering over the situation, apprehensively came to a similar conclusion.
I say apprehensively since she has seen the writing on her wall and marriage is clearly a distant possibility. She fretted at the thought of sharing her man with another woman, but countered it with the possibility of having her own natural children. She savored the possibility of living in her own home with her own man, but shut that door with the social stigma of being a second wife.
So in the end, she played it safe and accepted her parent's decision.
The thought that immediately comes to my mind is how oppressive is the father (as well as the society) that simply will not entertain the possibility of this woman becoming a co-wife.
If all parties involved (the man, the first wife, and this sister in question) are accepting of the situation, who the hell are people to judge this polygamous relationship? What kind of irresponsible father places his own social circumstances and fears before the well-being of his daughter?
I just don't get it.
WAW
3 days ago
38 comments:
Thanks a lot for your post. It deserves reflection.
As-Salaamu 'alaikum,
Surely if the father had not rejected several previous proposals from unmarried men for trivial reasons, the issue of her becoming a second wife would not come up anyway? That is when their oppression happened. It seems that the woman is not too fussed about becoming anyone's number two.
She is 34 and can't decide whom to marry? Maybe the parents are to blame why she is still single. Maybe she is afraid of to upset her parents. I know a single mother (with one daughter) and comes from Egypt. She is 40 years old, and one day she asked her parents' permission to live separate(she lives with her parents since the divorce), and hell broke out. Her father got blood clot because of anger and woman was hospitalised in mental unit.
Sometimes the parents don't realize what a harm they are doing to their children. I know some girls who chose to let go their wishes for their sake of their parents. In my opinion, these girls/women are committing a 'sin', since they are making what is lawful from Allah to haram; ie. marriage.
gess
AA-
@Yusuf, true the problem all began with the parents refusal to consider anyone outside their cultural makeup. But in the here and now, I place alot of blame on society that has twisted the arms of this family to reject a reasonable marriage proposal.
@Gess, I don't blame the daughter for respecting her parents wishes. I do blame her for not taking the offer more seriously because I do believe that if she really wanted to accept the offer, she could have convinced her parents.
Naeem, first, I am not against polygamy and don't see it as a strange culture :-) Many of my own family practice it. So I feel from your response that you already made your mind and blame it already on the society and the influence of Western culture for diluting the Islamic values [in another words, back to old discussion; 'The West vs. East'].
But I want you to see it from children's point of view. Some girls do not have the courage to stand against their parents and fight for what is their rights, without feeling abandoning and bringing shame to their family and culture. Some girls do not have the backbone you call for. Look the example I gave above. The woman is 40 years old and can not control her own life. Do you think that is ok?
My point is, the blame is not solely on the society side, but also the parents and the culture. And I think it is about time we discuss these types of girls who chose this type of "double life", and it is not something I say it, I have seen it among my own family and outside my culture. And as for South Asian culture [I assume the woman comes from that area], I think it is hard to twist their culture, consider they resisted the British influence, and it is still the most homogeneous culture; where ever they go, East Africa, South Africa or Caribbean, they still hold onto their culture and tradition, and that is why I think it is lame excuse to blame it the outside.
And last, I am not surprised why the woman declined the polygamy marriage. How could she accept it, when she had not much to say when she was younger [the previous proposals]. It is kind of double moral. They raised her "old fashion", and now people do not want this, and demand her to speak up.
"You've made your bed, now lie in it "
gess
br naeem, this question of polygamy is truly a test in some ways subhanallah.
I believe it is a mercy from Allah to have given men the option so that women could be taken care of. but where are these 'fair' taqwa bearing 'men'?
Honestly in real life though, I don't see many men (and its possibly im just incredibly ignorant) taking multiple wives who are older/widowed/divorced with children to help them out.
It seems to just be abused alot.
Marriage to one is a huge responsibility. For a woman and a man.
I guess since i'm a woman the heartache a woman would go through just kind of makes me speechless.
I also have a question I need to get answered about wy the Prophet (saw) refused or didnt want Ali (ra) to marry Abu Jahl's daughter.
was it because of the family he was choosing to marry into or because he simply didnt want his daughter to go through heart ache?
And Allah knows best.
i can imagine a siutation for instance where lets say the man and woman have grown children, have no real connection or relationship and its sort of a dead end for them. and if the woman got divorced, her situation would be miserable, for whatever reason. Let's assume she'd be completely on her own and she doesnt want that.
In this case, lets say they both agree that he can take a second wife. awesome great.
Now let's say he's not super duper happy w/ #2 but at least its better than the first situation with his first wife.
Is this man really going to be fair? That's a HUGE test for him.
For this respectable busines man ofering a proposal, what are the reasons he's choosing this situation? Is he going to be fair to his first wife and kids?
In the south asian culture, my impression is that the first family is left sort of on the side.
And yes a new family does get protection. And the first poor woman is left on the sidelines. Not married not divorced.
But then again, her issue i guess wasnt the polygamy to begin with, perhaps it was the relationship w/ the man in the first place.
i'm answering my own question it seems.
definitely society does make all this out to be really strange. and its not really society's place to judge.
i know plenty of monogamous marriages that are failures.
i guess in the end, if the man is really mature in his emotions to handle this, then perhaps it can be a good idea.
just recently, i know of a sister w/ 3 children who is divorced and she was part of a polygamous situation.
anyway this has become a post of its own.
UmmBudiMary
journalinred.blogspot.com
I hope not this post turns into polygamy; whether you are against it or not. Enough already!
Let us discuss the case presented here, and stay on the topic.
Thank you.
gess
As Salaamu Alaikum:
"she has seen the writing on her wall and marriage is clearly a distant possibility"
That statement/attitude is even more troublesome than not wanting to be in plural marriage.
Is Islam the only religion where a woman is washed up at age 34?! If so, perhaps it explains why some men are so eager to marry 10 year olds.
Good grief ...
AA-
@Gess, yeah, I think we can both agree that no one is 'innocent' in this scenario (family, society, and the girl).
And btw, the family is actually Arab, not South Asian. But my scenario could easily apply to families from the Indian-subcontinent as well.
That being said, I do wonder if this scenario is replayed in other cultures, such as Africa, Southeast Asia, etc.?
@Umm B, "It seems to just be abused alot."
Very true, but in the case I posted on, we can assume that the man wasn't looking to abuse it - seeing that the sister was no 20-yr old and had the 'baggage' of an adopted son.
"I guess since i'm a woman the heartache a woman would go through just kind of makes me speechless."
So would you have advised the sister to accept the proposal or wait it out for a more orthodox offer (from a single man)?
@Safiyya, excellent point. I was actually thinking about that as well when I wrote the post, but since it was tangential to the polygamy question I didn't 'go there'.
Indeed, society/culture is to be blamed for casting aside any woman over 30. Its really an embarrassment.
But I would correct you when you said: "Is Islam the only religion where a woman is washed up at age 34?!"
Its not about Islam. Its about culture. Other non-Muslim cultures (Hindu India) have the same attitude towards women.
Very complex question. I agree that societies everywhere nowadays have messed up priorities when it comes to marriage. Everyone wants a specific type of spouse for their child (someone successful, from a "good" family, attractive, sharing the same culture/nationality/tribe, etc. Islam is "distantly" considered). Then when they fail to find someone with "all" of these qualities they would rather leave their child single for the rest of their lives than have them marry someone "deficient".
Most parents nowadays are selfish about their own reputation and so they can't imagine letting their daughter marry someone (whether that person is single or already married) that they know members of their society will look down upon for whatever reason.
There's also a stigma I've seen in Bengali culture at least of divorcees/widows marrying people who were never married (divorcees/widows should only marry other divorcees/widows).
If people, particularly parents and sometimes children, would stop being so hung up on maintaining their "reputation" instead of pleasing Allah and marrying their child off to a good righteous person that their child likes, then we wouldn't be hearing of such problems as older single children either living out the rest of their lives in their parents' homes or (some unfortunately) having illicit relations to satisfy their "urges".
To answer your question, if the man in question is realy good, i would say the sister needs to do some self analysis, figure out what her goals in life at that point really are and where she's only letting herself be affected by society. Are the things she's letting get to her from within her truly (would they also bug her) or is it just from others. Sometimes things other ppl say bug us cuz we dont like 'em ourselves either. u gota separate out the two.
and make istikhara and if the guy meets the mark on all the big things and can help her w/ the goals she's got for yourself, then why not.
When I was around 23 (and had started to stupidly think i was getting soooo old) I had an offer from some saudi sheikh (30ish im guessing) to consider becoming a second wife.
Surprisingly I really did think about it very deeply. Namely because I actually erroneously thought it was someone else who I had A TON of respect for cuz he was our teacher(sheikh/ustad etc). It didnt turn out to be him though.
I came to teh conclusion that if i was older, say middle to late thirties i would really consider it..if the person was ALL THAT.
but at that time being 23, and divorced after a short marriage, and getting numerous proposals I wasn't exactly very desperate to consider it.
By the way this whole notion that divorce is SUCH a stigma..i dont know..im not convinced..
i got more proposals FROM DESIS (some even who grew up partly overseas) than i did before i was divorced. i find that rather amusing. but another reason for that could be that afterwards i was more 'known' in the community.
UmmBudiMary
I'd be more annoyed if the woman actually was willing to be a 2nd and her father refused...
The stigma of polygamy is becoming ridiculously strong... and you know what's ironic... the abusers will continue to do it, as for the most part, they don't care about social norms and good husbanding anyway. And it is the "few good men" who could be actually be fair with multiple wives, who will step back.
There are more than a few women who could these "good men" (divorced, widowed, older, etc.), but who are either bound by their own ideals or by guys not stepping up.
Just a question Naeem,
Why did you categorized this post under "clash of civilizations .. etc"?
gess
PS, you would not believe this. My friend's mother who is a Buddhist (from Vietnam) considered once accepting a polygamy marriage. I don't know much about Vietnamese culture, but I am guessing polygamy is not alien to their culture.
Negative attitudes towards polygamy in Muslim society stem from a lack of love and commitment to the Sunnah, and to the personhood of the Prophet, pbuh, in general. If Muslims truly loved our Prophet, instead of paying lip service, there would be no negative attitudes towards this institution of marriage. An institution that was practiced by the Prophet and a good number of companions.
Because of this lack of religious respect our community cannot take advantage of the baraka that polygamy was meant to have in a society.
I wonder what the first wife the man who proposed thinks of this. To right some wrongs, that man is committing another set of wrongs. No woman wants to share her husband, whoever she is.
Wow, I was just talking about this subject this past weekend!
In my view, I see nothing wrong with a man taking a second wife PROVIDED that his wife agrees and his reasons are not shallow (i.e. he does not want to marry her out of lust). I know several couples who live this way and its perfectly normal for them and they are very happy Alhamdulila.
All of the Prophets SAW's wives (except Ayesha RA) were widows or divorcees and he married them for their protection, to take care of them.
Men today use Islam's rule to take on other wives who are half their age purely out of lust and regardless of how their wives feel about it which eventually causes alot of discontent and conflict in the home.
This idea that Polygamy is the big bad wolf is a very Western, Colonialist one. Here in South Africa, Polygamy is not exclusive to Islam and is common amongst several black cultures too.
I guess it comes down to people's definition of what Love is and their ideas of what a marriage constitutes. To many, a man cannot possibly love his wife if he wants to marry another and to society, a woman must not really love her husband, or there must be something wrong with her, if she condones his marriage to a second wife.
Many people are also not content to co-exist with their partners and want to own them... a mechanism that gives them a sense of control in the relationship.
That said, I think it is very unfair that I can't have 4 husbands ;D
Oh and re: the woman in your story. I think it is very selfish of her parents, because they only think of themselves. & They will not live forever.
No love / marriage is founded on the basis of perfection so to be that picky is just ruthless. And I understand the need for respect, but come-on, there's a point where you need to take responsibility for your own life and make your own decisions.
Islamically, her father cannot stop her if she is of a maritable age and she wants to marry a practising Muslim. It is actually a sin on him for delaying the natural procession of life for so long due to his fastidiousness.
PS. In response to "Is Islam the only religion where a woman is washed up at age 34?! If so, perhaps it explains why some men are so eager to marry 10 year olds"
Blame culture, not Islam. Khadijah RA was 45 when she proposed and married the Prophet SAW. And it was his first marriage, her second. What an inspiration :)
@Azra -'Blame culture, not Islam. Khadijah RA was 45 when she proposed and married the Prophet SAW. And it was his first marriage, her second. What an inspiration'
Bad example since that happened BEFORE Islam.
@The Queen - Regardless of whether it happened before Islam or not, the Prophet SAW's life was Islam. Everything he ever did, from childhood to adulthood is an example for us - and that is why he is revered... because he was the only human being considered to be perfect.
Do not make the mistake of confusing culture and religion. Our religion is perfect too when it is not warped by men with their own agendas.
Culturally, there are countries in Africa - Muslim countries like Mauritania - that hold older women and divorcees in esteem. They are considered to be more desireable for marriage than younger girls.
Even Arabia was a very very different place about 100 years ago. The culture allowed people to marry and re-marry often, as they chose to, without any reservations or petty issues like age and appearance etc. Things have since changed, and the culture of the people with it.
It is culture that ruins religion.
AA-
@R, Good points all around.
"There's also a stigma I've seen in Bengali culture at least of divorcees/widows marrying people who were never married (divorcees/widows should only marry other divorcees/widows)."
Does this apply to men as well? From the examples I've seen (or heard), divorced men have much less problems marrying again than their female counterparts.
@Amad, "And it is the "few good men" who could be actually be fair with multiple wives, who will step back."
what an excellent observation! I think this is such a crucial point that is often missed in these polygamy debates.
I'm sure that most 'good men' would renege on marrying again, even if their first wives agreed. Very telling.
@Gess, I termed it clash of civilizations since the traditional Eastern attitude towards polygamy has been overcome by the modern Western concept of one man-one woman.
@Mezba, "No woman wants to share her husband, whoever she is."
A bit sweeping don't you think? I believe some African cultures may prove your statement wrong. I recall one Nigerian friend telling me how a man's mother-in-law would consider him less than complete if he didn't marry more than one wife.
And what say you if the first wife agreed?
Brother Naeem, I don't think it's a sweeping statement. For example, your wife was quite angry when you even dreamt of sleeping with another woman! (in your other post). As for mother-in-law, she's not the wife. If you ask any normal woman if she wants to share her husband if she had a choice the answer would be no. Even Fatima the daughter of the Prophet in his time was quite upset when Ali (pbuh) wanted to marry again.
Mezba,
so let me get this straight...
Who is it that permitted and made halal polygamy? Me? You? Naeem? Nope.
Allah Himself.
So, do we really put ourselves in a position to be the guardian of women's rights and her emotions over Allah? Think about it. I know you didn't mean it this way, but if you boil it down, that's ultimately what it comes down to.
You made a general statement that NO woman would be happy with it. Let's say you are right, and I agree that most would not. In fact, Ayesha RD was quite jealous of other wives. Having said that, is Allah not the Most Just? Didn't He know this of woman's nature? As it mentions in the Quran, there are things that we may like that are bad for us and vice-versa. Perhaps, it is not great for women, but there is no doubt that the benefits of allowing it outweigh its harms. And this is not my opinion. If Allah allowed it, it must be tayyib. No ifs and buts about it.
A general suggestion to everyone... Let's be careful of skirting issues too close to the edge... the abyss is very deep over it. We have seen it over and over again with people just losing it over one or two issues... can't get over it and the entire religion is thrown over the balcony.
P.S. Having said this, I do think that in certain parts where polygamy is being heavily abused, the practice should be ceased and temporarily banned to get things back in order. The Imams of Philly for instance, should consider doing so. I hope we can see the difference between this specific action and commenting on the general nature of polygamy. One talks about polygamy as an institution, the other halting abuse of the institution.
"has been overcome by the modern Western concept of one man-one woman."
Although I fully realize polygyny was practiced throughout the Bible, I don't believe it was God's favored plan for mankind. He allowed it, yes, but I think His model for marriage was one man and one woman for life. "A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh."
I don't see how you can have a truly intimate relationship with someone when you (a man) have FOUR someones with whom you share a bed, house, children, table. And a wife who knows she can only have her husband a quarter (half or third) of the time. And that's not counting all those right hand possessions who are also being used for breeding.
As for this being a Western notion, the Bible from which I quoted this verse is most likely Middle Eastern in origin. Not Western at all.
AA-
@Azra, "Here in South Africa, Polygamy is not exclusive to Islam and is common amongst several black cultures too."
Thanks for making this point. I had stated the same in my response to Mezba above. How familiar are you with the practice of polygamy in these other cultures? Is there a similar phenomenon where the current generation is less accepting of it than their forefathers? Are women rejecting the practice at higher rates than their mothers?
I'm curious about the social dynamics of polygamy in modern-day Africa.
@Mezba, not trying to nitpick, but did you mean to say that MOST women do not want to share their husband? Such an absolute statement, as you made, is never a good idea, especially when it comes to social issues.
And let's go ahead and assume that your statement is correct. That doesn't necessitate that women can't be accepting of their husband marrying again, even if reluctantly. After all, we all make compromises for the greater good of a relationship, whether its between family-members, friends, business-partners, or spouses. How is this any different?
So if a woman doesn't want to share her husband, but willingly supports to it, does it mean her husband is committing a wrong?
@Amad, its funny you mention the temporary ban. I've recently been thinking about the Tariq Ramadan call for a moratorium on hudood punishments from a few years back (due to the high profile cases of its misapplication) and how it could be similarly applicable to the situation surrounding polygamy.
Of course, such a move holds no water in the real world and, as you mentioned above, only the 'good men' would end up abstaining.
@Susanne, yeah, I'm not familiar with the history of polygamy in the Christian tradition. My statement about monogamy being a western attitude is in reference to the post-colonial influence on the institution of polygamy in the Muslim world. Clearly, the recent trend away from polygamy is born from the Muslim world's interaction with modern Europe/America.
@ Br. Naeem,
You're right generally divorced/widowed men have it easier than women when getting married. If divorced/widowed women have children and are older, chances are they may never get married unfortunately. But I have heard of divorced/widowed men being rejected too, mainly by young women who would rather marry someone who never married also.
@mezba
I think you should be careful of making absolute statements also. I've known of two cases where women willingly allowed their husbands to remarry. One was a Malaysian sister who had her husband marry her best friend. Another was a working sister who wished to marry her husband so she didn't feel guilty not spending enough time with him due to work.
Many of us have to battle our nafs and for women this is part of our battle. In the beginning it may hurt and be upsetting to see your husband remarry but eventually as time goes on you can get used to it, especially if your husband is someone who is trying his best to uphold all his wives' rights. Like any other relationship you will have your ups and downs but always remember to turn to Allah (SWT) during your down periods because only He can help you out of it.
It's similar to losing your livelihood and facing poverty for the first time. In the beginning it will hurt and be depressing to lose your job and all the comforts you were used to and you may even fear the oncoming poverty. But if you turn to Allah (SWT) and try to make the best of your situation you will not feel the overwhelming depression like you did in the beginning of your situation Insha'Allah.
Oops that statement should say "another was a working sister who actively looked to remarry her husband off..."
I was wondering if besides having a moratorium we could institute couples' counseling so that the men who want to remarry but who look like they'll abuse polygamy could be told about the consequences of what they're getting themselves into. For that endeavor I think we need qualified ulema' (male and female) who are also capable of being counselors. Unfortunately I don't hear too much about Ulema actively doing something about explaining to laypeople about personal matters.
Amad, I am replying to Naeem's hypothetical situation here. In his simplified scenario, I just asked a simple question - did the first wife agree to this?
Second, again, continuing on this imaginary scenario - there are more solutions than simply becoming a second wife. I know women in their 40s who got married for the first time. There is no dearth of good guys out there. We are not facing a war or famine or some other global disaster that suddenly guys are in short supply. If the sister is really interested on getting married she can without becoming a second wife.
Since she can become a first wife, it's good to reject the proposal of becoming a second wife, as that is the inferior option.
All this without getting into the debate of legality of polygamy.
And now, here is my imaginery scenario. Your daughter is 18 years old. Beautiful, bright, intelligent. She gets a wedding proposal from an 80 year old guy who does not have any other wives, is rich, pious, outstanding citizen and to your knowledge as healthy as an 80 year old can be.
Will you permit your 18 year old daughter to marry the 80 year old guy? Remember, there is no bar on the marriage from an Islamic point of view (Allah has permitted it) nor from the State (both of them are not minors).
And to even further the example, the man proposes that your daughter become his slave girl. Not wife, but slave girl.
Again, will you allow it, even if your daughter is willing?
Brother Naeem,
I would say that within the contemporary black cultures or what I call the Cosmopolitan Blacks, I would agree that the younger generations are less willing to "share" their husbands then their Mothers or Grandmothers were.
From what I know about the less Cosmopolitan blacks (i.e. those that are still traditional which is roughly 80% of them), various black cultures in terms of marriage: polygamy is prominent amongst the wealthy or affluent, and they usually have several wives. Our president and the Zulu King are examples of this. The reason the wealthy / affulent marry as many times as they do is because they can afford it.
In the black culture in general (because there are like 10 different cultures including Zulu, Xhosa, Venda, Sotho, Tswana etc etc), the men have to pay Lobola to the wife's parents, which is a dowry but in terms of cattle. So if the wife's father wants 50 cows, he has to be able to afford 50 cows... and cows don't come cheap.
This practice of Lobola stands regardless of whatever religion they follow (except Islam from what I know). So many Christian blacks will get married
in Churches, yet they will still be required to pay the Lobola.
The result is that only half of the black population actually get married... many have partners or steady boyfriends/girlfriends... and due to the poverty levels, many have several partners whom they depend on for money or food.
Add to this, many of the men (and women) are migrant workers employed as Maids or Miners etc. and they usually work in other provinces. This means that many are far away from home for very long periods of time and most (almost all) of them have other wives or girlfriends in the areas where they work.
This is a major contributing factor to the spread of AIDS in Sub-Sahara Africa. In 2002 (when Sociology was one of my subjects at Varsity), it was estimated that 700 people were infected with AIDS DAILY! That number must have doubled by now.
Anyways, amongst the more traditional people - which is the vast majority, Polygamy is still a large part of their culture.
AA- Mezba,
Sure in an ideal world, this sister would have a nice chance of getting married. But in the real world, if I were her father, I wouldn't take the risk of having a legitimate marriage offer walk away, left with a daughter whose self-esteem is quickly spiraling downwards.
About your hypothetical question, get your own blog buster! :-)
Ok, I think I know where you're going with this, but I'll bite. Seeing that the concept of 'what the right hand possesses' is basically relegated to the books of fiqh and unknown in any current society, I would tell the dude to take a hike.
Now, what does that have to do with my stance on polygamy?
Mezba,
I know exactly where you are going with the loaded questions... been on the blogosphere too long to fall for these :)
You ignored my question though, perhaps you should start with that if you reply... who instituted polygamy? Did the Prophet (S) discourage it or offered special rewards for people to discontinue it (with textual evidence pls)?
As for your hypothetical question, my answer would be in the negative surely. But before you do your gotcha moment, read on :)
The situation might not be appealing to me and my daughter for many reasons, starting with the fact that she has better choices available. I am sure you learned of the concept of opportunity cost in your MBA, so you can follow this. Just because this choice is not reasonable for me/my daughter, (a) I will not go around posting articles on the net about how horrible such a concept is, because it is after all perfectly halal, and (b) I will not decry others who may opt to do it, or whose opportunity cost makes this a perfectly feasible, viable alternative. For instance,
Suppose that 18-year old girl was in a village where she was the oldest one, even at 18... no other reasonable male suitors. Suppose the marriage offered her a chance to get out of a miserable, extremely poor existence, maybe abusive parents. And this 80-year old guy offers her education, wealth, and a chance for new life shortly after he dies (how long does he have anyway??). Suddenly, the idea sounds much better. Haven't we heard old, rich farts getting married to young blondes even in the non-Muslim world? It's all about opportunity cost mate, and halal alternatives.
I keep coming back to the root of the issue I have with the anti-polygamy-party. It's not that the fact that many women would choose not to, which is perfectly fine with me. Rather, it's their inherent goal to establish that polygamy never works, that it is ALWAYS and inherently unjust, and that anyone who wants to or has done it, is a pure and unadulterated fill-in-the-blanks.
For that I say, this is pure unadulterated arrogance. Let's leave Allah's shariah to Allah.
P.S. As for slave-girls, if you study even a bit of its fiqh, you'll learn that it is haraam to convert a free person into a slave. In other words, there are conditions for who can and who cannot be. Secondly, the Prophet(S) always discouraged slavery with word and action, while this was NEVER the case for polygamy.
Amad, Naeem: I am just responding to Naeem's question.
In today's real world, it still will be better in Naeem's hypothetical scenario for the father to reject the offer of his daughter being a second wife. She can and WILL get a better offer, just a matter of looking.
Namee, you said, if I were her father, I wouldn't take the risk of having a legitimate marriage offer walk away, left with a daughter whose self-esteem is quickly spiraling downward.
That is the problem in your scenario. The daughter has a negative self esteem and the parents (who probably have their own issues) is not helping her get properly married. One solution - and a bad solution - is to get her married to a second wife. The proper - and better solution - is to work hard to get her a good husband with no other wives. Allah's World is not finite, Ask and you shall receive!
As for polygamy, I don't believe it is haram, just as Islam never banned slavery. However, for one we are comfortable saying we never wish to re institute slavery, yet we don't extend the same 'courtesy' to poly gamy. If you (Naeem and Amad) are perfectly fine in saying no when it's your own daughter, then think why you are saying no. Maybe polygamy, just like slavery, is an idea whose time has gone. Perhaps in a later world, when apocalypse happens and we go back to the dark ages, maybe their time will come again.
I dont see what relevance the practise of polygamy in other cultures and/or religions has to Muslims practising it or it being an option within Islamic law.
AA-
@Mezba, about my daughter, while I object to the slave girl scenario for many obvious reasons, I don't think I would have a problem with her being part of a multiple wife situation where all parties are fair and their rights are protected.
@Sumera, the issue of other cultures came up when Mezba said that NO woman wants to share her husband and I wished to explore how other cultures view polygamy. Is it relevant to my post? Only tangentially, as I do believe that polygamy is not as unnatural and outdated as many would have us believe.
Mezba, I am wondering if you even read my comment? I already answered the questions about my personal choice re:my daughter, and the slavery question. Read my comment again pls, and don't conflate issues in order to make an unsubstantiated point.
Salam Naeem,
Thanks for this post.
It's a pretty loaded question.
I think there's a lot to consider when choosing to take/become a second wife. The most glaringly obvious thing would be, can I actually live with another woman?
In the scenario you've presented, and with the very limited aspects of the story that you've shared with us, I feel that its the dad's pride that was a bit hurt at the suggestion. Coming from a Pakistani background myself, I find it incredible the way this issue is handled.
If the man was from the subcontinent he will always reject the idea.
Anyway, my point is, I don't think the situation's as simple as you've described it. Parents at the end of the day want what's best for their kids and I can understand where you're trying to highlight that perhaps, sometimes they can't see the writing on the wall and make decisions coloured so heavilyg by their pride/prejudice that they are no longer in the better interest of their kids.
Wallah o alam. I guess what's meant for her will come?
The fact this topic generated 37 comments and still growing shows me of two facts:
1) Men are naturally polygamous
2) Women are naturally jelous
Allah who created them provided a solution.
1) For the men, go ahead and mary upto 4 and do justice between the wives
2) For the women Allah reminded them if the obey his will and they remain faithful to their husbands and they offer their prayers. Allah will reward them Jannah
This results happy family, happy society and strong Muslim community.
BUT men failed their responsibility and women fear their injustice and the whole topic has been reduced to a taboo.
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