I know how so many of you are looking to step out of the shadows of your male counterparts. We all know how traditional Muslim societies don't have such a great track record when it comes to treating women with justice and respect.
I know how many of you have dabbled with the countless strands of feminism and have found them lacking. Many of you believe that Islam provides the best of both worlds, a balanced approach where you can forward your position in a male-dominated society without sacrificing your prized femininity, all under an umbrella of deep spirituality.
However, I wanted to ask you about one issue, namely the newfound assertiveness found in many modern women.
Submissive is out, aggressive is in. The free ride that men have had where they make uncontested decisions, bark out their demands, and expect everything their way is over.
And you know what? I say g'd on ya, mate! (that's Australian)
But with a caveat.
If you are going to insist on not only voicing your opinion, but having it your way, you must be prepared to present it in a rational, logical manner.
And you must also be prepared to intellectually defend your stance against others who may not necessarily see it your way.
And all this must be done without resorting to tears and emotional outbursts.
Can you handle that?
The way I see it, traditional roles are not simply based on physical strength (although that is an undeniable factor), but on the male vs. female approach to problem-solving and decision-making.
Men are more calculating. Women are more passionate. Together, they form a harmoniously complimentary dynamic. But when it comes to making a decision or leading a people, the former (calculating) is preferable to the latter (passionate).
So now we come to modern times where women are sick and tired of being passive recipients of pronouncement made by their men. They're demanding that room be made for them at the decision-making table.
And room we shall make for you.
But is too much to ask that you articulate your thoughts and desires in a way conducive to making rational decisions?
Can you weigh the pros and cons of a matter without resorting to emotional justifications that, admittedly, are important to you, but may not translate the same to others?
If so, I'm convinced that your relationships with husbands, fathers, brothers, and friends will be the better for it.
Otherwise, I fear that you will continue to be relegated to the realm of child-bearers and home-keepers.
WAW
2 days ago
19 comments:
AA...
So... hmm... how about if I say to my dear brothers that we should not listen or follow any of your decisions unless you can passionately and emotionally justify them to us? So you can go on with your calculating selves and trying to make decisions for us, but we'll keep doing exactly as we please until you can come to our table and reason with us at our level. Because you may like your calculations, your decisions, but how do you know what is best for a child, how to raise him, or care for him? Calculating logic won't help you there. So why should we follow your decisions when in fact we know better and are better prepared to make those of our own? So perhaps you must open yourself to the effect of emotion and passion before you can expect any sisters to follow you.
Seems fair, no?
Salam Aleykoum..
Where did you get the idea that women are passionate and men calculating? I don't think this is fair. We are different ideed but it is not just to generalize on people's personalities. This is so Middleage-ish.
sallam
I wouldn't call it more calculating or more passionate,I think the main difference between men and women is that women are multi-tasking while men aren't as much,which in turn makes women better with people and in turn makes men better in processing;because they can focus on one single thing..
I noticed,from my humble experience,that men are insecure from working with women;they are either aggressive or too easy!
on the other hand,I hate women in management;they tend to be so strict and bossy and ...a MAN!
Naeem it's not a melting pot situation,diversity in a team makes it better :P
Salams All. Naeem, or shall I say Br. Naeem...I have several observations:
- You write very well. Masha'Allah. And JazakAllahu Khair for your passionate (oops, does that make you feminine? what the heck, you are born of a woman and married to one now!) postings. Honestly, your passion dominates your postings. It is its life. There is nothing "calculating" about your thoughts or words.
- Being a teacher I have traveled a bit. You bring some of the more balanced perspectives on issues. And your style is easy to follow and charming. Allah has given you a skill and talent and you are using it well. Alhamdulillah.
- On this particular issue you are just downright wrong (if you see the sequence in which I have offered my feedback, it's calculating nature might make you think I was a brother, but hold your judgment...I COULD be a sister who knows how to be calculating!).
On this issue you are generalizing far too much. There was a time when the world believed that the White race was intellectually superior. There was an abundance of prima facie evidence for that, all empirical. India's Nehru, himself hardly an intellectual midget even mourned that Europeans were more "curious" and Indians (subcontinent folks) were not inclined towards the sciences. If only Nehru were could see the world today.
Some day people might read your post and say "if only Br. Naeem could see the world today." Differences between genders are far too subtle to be painted with the thick thick brush you used in your post. Stop buying your brushes from Home Depot and visit Office Max where they have artists' brushes.
AA- Amy,
I see your point Amy, but isn’t logic the starting point when presenting one’s opinion? After all, the class is called Logic 101, not Emotions 101...heh.
And if my assumption is correct (that men are more logical in their thought-process), then isn’t it correct that room is being made for women at *our* table, as opposed to the other way around (as you so nicely expressed)?
And yes, I do agree with you that in circumstances where emotions and tenderness are called for (such as raising children), the input from the mother ought to play a more significant role.
AA- All,
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your allowing me to think aloud and bounce ideas off you all. If nothing else, it has allowed me to further develop my thoughts.
Admittedly, I did paint with a wide brush. But I’m not proclaiming any hard-and-fast, rigid rules – that’s what generalizing does. It allows for the exceptions, while addressing the majority
The funny thing about stereotypes (and wide brushes from Home Depot) is that they are based on truths (or semi-truths). Although I acknowledge that there are some men who are fueled by their emotions (anger, jealousy, hatred) and there are some women who give greater consideration to logic and rationale, is it really debatable that these are the exceptions to the rule/stereotype rather than the norm?
And please notice that my intent is not to perpetuate this stereotype. I actually wish to rid ourselves of it. And I’m calling on women to help their cause by adjusting their approach to tackling problems.
But at the same time, I am leary of such a cultural shift as I believe that women’s essential contribution to society is primarily based on their emotional and passionate side. If that were to be compromised, larger, societal issues would arise.
So you see my dilemma. I embrace my sisters’ attempt at getting what is rightfully theirs (consideration, respect, justice), but if it requires them to curb their emotional traits (which is the premise of my post), then society would suffer, which would be a greater harm.
So I guess I’m back to where I started – the continuation of this stereotype, that men will continue to be decision-makers due to the primacy given to their faculties of rationale and women will continue to be marginalized due to the primacy given to their emotions.
Truth be told, while my American self is bothered by that, my other side is accepting of it, seeing it as the natural balance of the world where the two sexes are beautifully interdependent.
Wow, I must be coming off as such a sexist. Sigh...Such are the troubled times we live in.
Salaam Naeem
I went through a phase where I thought stereotypes were just useless, and false. I didn't accept that there were some things men were just naturally better at than women.
And then I was the only girl in a drafting class, and I did fine in the class. But I noticed that a lot of the guys who I weren't as smart as me (according to me), who didn't study as hard as I did, and who didn't do nearly as well in many other classes we had together were doing very well in this class without trying very hard. Whereas I had to try harder.
Plus, it's going to be very difficult to convince me that I am not extra-emotional some times of the month as well. I know it. Why am I crying over a stupid commercial, I might think, and then check the calendar and see, "Ooohhhhh...."
And frankly, an emotional "swing" like that can be pretty counterproductive if I'm in a meeting at work.
But it isn't a totally bad thing--I can listen to someone else's problems and really sympathize with them, I think in a way that a brother would not be able to, and offer kinds of emotional support with my emotions following theirs. This is a technique that mothers use with children, by the way.
Your post didn't really offend me (as a woman). In work-related circles, that kind of emotion or passion is not so much an asset. But in a family? It absolutely is. So check your calculator at the door and deal at a different level.
It's not that one manner is better or worse than the other, but they are appropriate for different situations. Allah has made us and created us to serve Him, and equipped us differently so we may do so differently.
I don't really think women are marginalized because they tend to be emotional. They marginalize themselves by trying to value themselves according to the same standards as men, when in fact they excel at tasks where men fail. So it's not that they are marginalized... simply... unappreciated. :-)
Me thinks the dear brother's post is 100% accurate in every way except it should have been titled "To My Dear Wife" :)
Very clever and very shifty, I must say! Hmm, actually very calculating too.
"The purpose of all education is to know what size brush to use."
- Me, 2008
That's my deep thought for the week. I think I have now earned a vacation.
AA- Amy,
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you and I are saying very similar things.
"I don't really think women are marginalized because they tend to be emotional. They marginalize themselves by trying to value themselves according to the same standards as men, when in fact they excel at tasks where men fail."
Excellent point. But let me be clear by defining the scope in which my post was written - the decision-making process.
Women are marginalized *in this process* due to their emotional selves. I'm being very specific and not attempting to address other areas of gender dynamics.
But your last point still stands valid...thanks for pointing that out!
AA- Yo-teach,
"Me thinks the dear brother's post is 100% accurate in every way except it should have been titled "To My Dear Wife" :)"
Hahah...good one...except that I wrote that one several years ago. And oddly enough, I got a similar response from my DW as most comments here. Go figure. :-P
Given that the man is God-Fearing, just, and loving to his wife... so basically if his deen and character please you... it simply comes down to these inarguable facts which are vital to attaining harmony between husband and wife:
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see illconduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great. (An-Nisa 4:34)
Now I'm really curious about how many sisters felt an annoying shiver when they read the part that says:
"Allâh has made one of them to excel the other"
I ask you, why is it that it is so hard to accept? Here is another fact:
And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allâh has created in their wombs, if they believe in Allâh and the Last Day. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allâh is All-Mighty, All-Wise. (Al-Baqarah 2:228)
Now unfortunately meanings are slightly lost when translated, for those of you who grasp the language read these verses in arabic. But even with the translations you get the idea insha'Allah. We do not promote mindless obedience to a man simply because he is born male, but I think what brother naeem is talking about here is the concept of submissiveness to the husband in general. Seems to have been lost in particular due to the far-reaching influence of the western-style dynamics of a relationship. Allahol mosta'aan. Sorry for this REALLY long post naeem... but felt like throwing in my 2 cents.
-Ali
far as im concerened...as long as men are ruled over by their "little" calculating head...us women are already far ahead...pardon the pun...most of us just dont utilize that advantage in beneficial ways.
AA- CR,
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis...errr, I mean CoolRed?!
i guess you touch slightly upon the topic of shura, of involiving the whole family to reach a united consensus thro discussion.. Decision-making among equals.
both have different views to bring to the table, neither needs to be dominant or over bearing.
and i do agree with you not entirely but to a certain degree but i would use the word technical
rather than calculating.
And women more humane.
Nicely written
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, (Duh!) or is the other way around. Your title intrigued me and you had me for awhile and then you lost me, well you didnt lose me but you went down a different avenue than I expected. Maybe I just assumed bec you were from BMore that you'd talk about the lack of manhood in Bmore men who are basically "whupped" by their women, it's very pathetic actually, funny and sad at the same time. I'll keep those stories about common people we know to myself, as id be backbiting otherwise. :)
Give salams to the bmore gang that's visiting the holy land for umrah currently, im sure you plan on seeing them or already have.
AA-
@Emma, "and i do agree with you not entirely but to a certain degree but i would use the word technical rather than calculating.
And women more humane."
Thanks for the comments...
Women are more humane, eh? Yeah, you may be onto something, but I prefer the rational(men) vs. irrational(women) way of looking at it....LOL!
@Arif, Interesting comment...hmmm..what were you expecting? A post where I lecture women on their rightful place in society? About how men must be obeyed? :-)
I'm very much interested in hearing your thoughts on how the man-woman dynamic ought to be playing out...
Going to Madina to hook up with the brothers in a few days...
AA
I was expecting a blog on balance, where the spouses are truly equals, while women are generally more emotional, it might have drawbacks but also at the same time it's a strength and same with men, what women find annoying are also strengths in men. So I thought you'd delve into what men can do better.
Right now I see the balance swings either too far right or too left where one spouse dominates the other (in maryland, lol)
WS
Wow.
I'm guessing you find this post perfectly logical and inoffensive, Br. Naeem.
You would be wrong, wrong, wrong.
For someone so "calculating", you should have been able to do the math on this one.
Once again, wow.
AA- BiblebeltMuslimah,
"You would be wrong, wrong, wrong."
Of course. I have never claimed a monopoly over 'being correct'.
I'm all ears...
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