Scene 1:
'Abujee, what does the middle finger mean?'
And so the intellectual duel began between a 7-yr old boy and his 34-yr old father.
'Huh?' The question truly startled me as I was caught off guard with Humza's innocuous question.
'Is the middle finger bad?'
Deep breath. This is definitely not THE talk. Let's see if I can deal with this in a mature, adult manner.
'Uhmmm...What do you mean? It's just one of your fingers. In fact, it’s the longest one. Pretty neat, eh? heh...heh', I shrugged with a nervous laugh that probably didn't convince my young opponent.
'Well, my friend Osama at school told me it means something bad.'
Stupid Osama's – always causing unnecessary trouble for us Muslims!
'Hah! What does he know!', I replied waving my hand with an air of arrogance.
'His older brother told him.'
Stupid older brothers - When have older brothers ever taught their younger siblings anything of value? (I speak from experience being the oldest of three boys)
Quick, I need to think of an answer befitting my status of know-it-all father.
'Hmmmm..Just ignore him. Its nothing. Don't worry about it.'
Yeah that's right, I totally wimped out. I dodged it like Bush and the draft.
Hey, cut me some slack people, I was under some serious duress.
Seriously, I avoided telling him that it's a bad thing, because I'm not comfortable in empowering him with the knowledge of 'silly' bad things. Of course I teach him about the serious stuff (lying, cheating, etc.), but I figured that if I simply avoided delving into details when it comes to such silly things, the issue would fall by the wayside, never to rear its ugly head again.
Ahhh...the innocence of naiveté.
Scene 2:
Humza and Maryam are going about their daily routine, arguing and fighting and whining, while I'm going about my business trying to ignore their racket. And then out of nowhere, Humza, who is now sitting besides me on the couch, gets fed up with Maryam's teasing and ferociously yells out her name 'MiiiiiiiMiiiiii' (her nick is Mimi).
I look up and I see his fiery eyes with his face contorted with anger and frustration and I notice his left arm fully extended with his middle finger pointed right at Maryam. And he wasn't even doing it the 'correct' way, but was pointing it at her like some magic wand ready to unleash his rage. And he kept it pointed at her shamelessly, until I interrupted his focused stare.
Trying to hold back my laughter, I make my serious father face, 'Excuse me, Genius. What do you think you're doing?'
'I'm giving her the middle finger, like we do in school.'
'And why are you doing that?'
'Cause I'm mad at her.'
'And is that a nice thing to do?'
'Well, you said it was nothing.'
Doh! Pardon me while I go remove the egg from my face.
…
So it seems that he interpreted the gesture to be a way of expressing anger.
After I told him to lower his arm, I explained to him that it’s a bad thing and he shouldn't do it again.
So here are two lessons for all you young/future parents:
1. Never hesitate to educate your children about bad things, especially when they ask you about them.
2. Don't take lessons on parenting from me.
Although I must admit, I'm not convinced with rule #1. As the list of "Don'ts" gets longer and longer, the kids have more options to pick from. So I rationalize that if they don't know that some silly behavior is bad, they'll never think to indulge in said behavior, right?
For example, if they don't know that saying 'Up Yours' or 'Screw You' are bad, they won't think anything of them. But once they realize they are bad words, might they be tempted to make use of them?
So the question arises, is it better to educate them about bad words and bad gestures hoping they never use them or should we turn a blind eye, hoping they will do the same?
I think I'll adopt the 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy. If they never ask, I'm never telling.
WAW
4 days ago
15 comments:
Asalaamu alaikum.
You are too funny. :)
My rule was that if you teach your child to be nice to begin with and not say/do things to other people that they would not like said/done to them, it goes a LONG way.
After that, I agree with you that if you start telling them "don't say ___ 'cuz it's bad" etc. it only piques their interest in it and they look for an opportunity to say it. You should, however, answer them honestly when they bring it up first and ask.
You should of course also address it if they are saying/doing it. I ran into this with my son when he was very young. He hit himself on the corner of the bed post and used the "S" word. I told him not to say that, and he asked "why not, it's just what to say when you hurt yourself". Turns out it was something his grandmother said not infrequently when in the dark basement doing laundry or putting away groceries etc.
Your Hamza is one funny guy! So cute.
I agree with your final statement. Been there, done that and it wasn't easy. I brushed it off as well and it didn't help because then the kids who teach these things tell my children that their mother is "old-fashioned" and a "liar"!
Kids are hillarious mashaallah.
My son, who is almost 5, asks me about the bad stuff as well. I tell him upfront that it is bad and it hurts people's feelings, and that he should never do/say that. But like Aaminah mentioned, sometimes we gotta catch ourselves because sometimes we have habits that are the reason our children do what they do. For example, the "s" word when you hit yourself or something. For me it has always been crap. It may not be so bad but it doesn't sound good and it could easily be replaced with Alhamdulillah. Now if I do ever say crap I say it so silently and usually raise my voice and say ALHAMDULILLAH! LOL Then I hear my son when he gets hurt saying, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, ALHAMDULILLAH!!! Then he does a shake that I taught him with his body to release the negativity the pain caused. It's so funny. And really works!
Salaam Naeem! Sahra here. I agree with your take. I'm also always surprised how much kids listen to you when you tell them that you should not do/say certain things because Allah does not like it. I don't tell them that other people don't like it for the most part unless I preface it that it is not pleasing to Allah and he writes everything they say and do and then rewards or punishes them for it. I know that this strategy has had a HUGE impact on them because just the other day, they were watching a show and someone made mention of a king and I said kings stink, who cares about kings and Basma, my oldest, vehemently reprimanded me by saying, "DON'T SAY THAT MOMMY, ALLAH IS THE KING"!
Hahaha, that is so funny. This reminds me of when I was younger and me and my brothers were fighting. We knew that the "F Word" (we didn't even know the actually word at the time) is what people say when they are mad, but nobody in my family really clued us in about it despite asking. So, one day my brother was angry with my other brother and to unleash his rage, went outside and wrote on the sidewalk in big letters with chalk, " 'Brother's Name' is the F word"
OMG that is soo true. kids have a knack for finding stuff way b4 they r supposed to ..
n abt that that big bro thing: sure. go ahead. that's one of the things we're good at right :S
plus there shud b some1 to blame
aawrwb,
this is brother jason from the states. i like what sisters umm layth and sahra said. however, i think it's important that we all make du'a to Allah to make this part of our lives an easy one because which ever path you choose - whether to fully explain the bad things, or to ignore them - Allah could create trials for you no matter which one you choose to do. or out of His gracious mercy, He could make it go over with ease no matter which one you choose. so it all starts with YOU and Allah.
aa
Salaam,
Are good and bad relative terms? Bad is lurking within and without, but it is knowing that it is bad and resisting it that makes the fruit of good so much more pleasurable. The negation makes the affirmation stronger.
AA-
@Aaminah, "You should, however, answer them honestly when they bring it up first and ask. You should of course also address it if they are saying/doing it."
Good advice! Seems so obvious now that you mention it, but for some reason I brushed it aside when he asked.
@Suroor, "then the kids who teach these things tell my children that their mother is "old-fashioned" and a "liar"!"
Those darned friends are always there to screw up our efforts. Peer pressure sucks!
AA-
@Umm Layth, "For example, the "s" word when you hit yourself or something. For me it has always been crap."
Ahhh yes, the difficulties of controlling your emotions (especially anger) in front of the kids.
Doing dhikr of Allah is surely the best approach. Thanks for the reminder sis.
@Sahra, long time no hear dude! Nice to see you back.
"I preface it that it is not pleasing to Allah and he writes everything they say and do and then rewards or punishes them for it."
Sound advice. I constantly repeat this to them, eventhough it may not make a difference right now (they sometimes shrug it off), I'm hoping its planting the proper seeds of Taqwa and Iman for when they get older and more mature.
AA-
@Anon, "wrote on the sidewalk in big letters with chalk, " 'Brother's Name' is the F word""
LOL! That is sooo funny...Instant classic!
@Muneeb, "n abt that that big bro thing: sure. go ahead. that's one of the things we're good at right :S
plus there shud b some1 to blame"
But don't big brothers always find ways to put the blame on their younger siblings? That's the sweetness of being the big brother! ;-)
AA-
@Jason, "Allah could create trials for you no matter which one you choose to do. or out of His gracious mercy, He could make it go over with ease no matter which one you choose. so it all starts with YOU and Allah."
Subhan'Allah...such beautiful words of wisdom. Way to bring it back bro. Thanks for the reminder...
@Imtiyaz, "Bad is lurking within and without, but it is knowing that it is bad and resisting it that makes the fruit of good so much more pleasurable."
While I agree with your overall sentiment, does it apply to a 7yr old? Does he need to know the bad in order to implement the good? I would say that at such a young age, they are to be taught to do and follow - only later when they're more mature can they delve into the deeper philosophical implications of their actions.
Salaam
I remember the first time someone gave me "the middle finger." It was my best friend, and I was 5, and it was in my driveway. And you know who got in trouble? Yeah.. me, somehow ,cuz my dad saw her do that. Whatever sense that makes.
And I remember being 7 and sharing a room with my brother, and I would hold up my hand in the light beam holding up my first or third finger so he could see it... and he'd yell at my parents, "Amy's holding up her middle finger!!" lol...
way too hilarious! sort of on the same topic, before we moved here we lived in the first state that legalized gay marriages and needless to say they were everywhere, kids-especially the older 2 would ask me q's like "lady or man mama??" i was this close to tell them the story of Lut (as) but my husband and i thought these kids are too young to know of this just yet! Alhamdulilah our oldest who was barely 7 wasnt going to a public school where there were library books like about this for kids and proactivity going on. but it was in Allah's Plan for them to learn about it because when we moved here to madinah one of the first books i noticed was a storybook for kids on Lut(as)...this year im trying to cover all of the anbiya by the end of the year and we just covered in detail this story. i wasnt cool with my son who just turned 5 to learn about this, but the older girls ok..(7 , 8.5) so i think its what you think your kids can handle..but tonight when my oldest was telling her sister that her friends parents are cousins, they both starting arguing over who would marry their cuty baby cousin as adults!! my little guy said he would too..and the girls yelled at him saying thats HARAM!!! haha..the whole marrying cousins things is a hush hush thing too when they visit the US, because his mom isnt muslim and i dont think she'd find it funny!! :-)
sorry for my long winded comment (as usual!-and didnt mean to offend any readers above with what i said)
Br. Jason, RIGHT ON! Suhaa, loved your comments!
Post a Comment