Celebrating the REAL best of the Muslim blogworldosphere!
Yeah, yeah, so the 'Hey look at us, we're the Brass Crescent poo poo Awards' folks finally gave out their annual awards to the best Muslim bloggers. Or at least that's what someone told me. You see, I just wasn't paying attention this year and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I wasn't nominated.
Last year the great minds at BCppA considered my blog worthy of one of their poo poo awards. I, on the other hand, felt one was not enough. I made what I felt to be a convincing case that my blog ought to have been considered for every category. Oddly enough, they didn't see things my way.
No problem. I figured they'd see the error of their ways and eventually come around. So 12 months and hundreds of posts later, you can guess my sheer surprise when I not only failed to get nominated for every single category, but didn't even garner one measly nomination.
No worries (that's Australian for no problem, don't hate me cause I'm multilingual), I was prepared for this most unfortunate turn of events.
This past weekend, I convened the greatest minds of the Muslim blogging world for the sole purpose of nominating blogs for the first annual Gold Star Awards - the way I see it, Gold is better than Brass and a Star is bigger and brighter than a puny little Crescent (bitter? who me? pshawwwright).
Since we're on the topic of that other award whose name we shall no more mention (rhymes with Bass Present), I have it on high authority (my 10-yr old daughter is taking French) that Crescent is in fact English for a French delicacy called the Croissant (the T is silent - so she tells me). So I'm not sure who the marketing people the good folks at that other Muslim blog award (rhymes with Crass Peasant) hired, but they may want to look for a new title. I mean c'mon people, what kind of an award is a croissant?? Do you need MY brain to realize that croissants don't make for good awards?!
Did I mention that I'm not bitter or anything? 'Cuz you know, I'm not. Really.
Anyways, our crack team studied and evaluated over 10,000,000 Muslim blogs with a standard unmatched in the entire blogging world. We'd like to thank all the participants for taking part - in our eyes, you are ALL winners (some less than others).
We chose to present the awards without opening it up for voting - basically, you people simply aren't smart enough. That's why we hired a group of recently laid-off Yahoo! engineers who devised a fool-proof algorithm. We're confident you all will be pleased with the results.
So every winner of the Gold Star Award will receive an original Gold Star made of 24-carrots. We simply ask the proud winners to send us a self-addressed stamped envelope to email@example.com and we'll take care of the rest. No need to thank us. The looks on your face will be enough reward for us. And of course, the winners will have the special rights to proudly display this award logo on their blogs for all of 2009*:
Be proud, you winners are part of a select few.
Without any further delay, here are your winners for the 2008 Gold Star Awards:
Best Actor Award - Dedicated to the blogger best acting like a real blogger.
Winner: MrEspy - Bro, you haven't posted regularly since August. What does a sick dog, a crying baby, and your blog have in common? They all need to be put to sleep! (Uhm, well, the sick dog might just need to see a vet and the crying baby may have gas, but regardless...your Espyisms blog needs to be put down)
Most Eco-friendly Blog - Celebrating the bloggers who have consciously chosen a black background for the sole purpose of saving energy.
Winner: Umar Lee - who woulda guessed that the tough talking, uber-manly, gun-reaching Umar was actually a closet treehugger?! (Update: It seems that Umar has changed his background to white. Somehow he must have gotten a leaked copy of the Gold Star awards and made this change to embarrass and spite us. We will not be intimidated. Truth be told, the results of the annual Gold Star awards are the third most coveted item on the web, trailing only pics of Bristol Palin's baby and Windows 7)
Updated Winner: MrEspy - hey, eventhough his blog is garbage, at least it's environmentally friendly garbage.
Freddie Kruger Award - To the blogger best able to conjure up the most frightening images.
Winner: Achelois - Lice-filled eyebrows and ungroomed armpits?! One year on and I still get chills when I see a desi Auntie walk into a room. Bonus points for her freaky self-portrait on the blog header - she looks like some statue. Suroor, I've got some cream that'll really soften up that rough skin!
The George W Bush Blogging award - To the blogger with the most confusing blog posts.
Winner: Dunner - For this series of mind-numbing posts relating to Drum Corps ranking. Are they like the folks from the Peace Corps, but with drums? And they have rankings?!
And what's with all those Bedtime Music posts? Why are you constantly trying to put me to sleep? Listen bro, if I wanted to fall asleep, I'd go over to MuslimMatters and read Amad's exposition on the Miller-Modigliani Theorem as it relates to Islamic Finance.
The Pakistani Stud award - For the most oxymoronic blog. Like a wise man once told me, 'If you wish to be a moron, better to be of the Oxy variety than the Balti'. (Natives of Baltimore are often lovingly referred to as Baltimorons, at least that's what my friends told me when I walked in on their conversation talking about me.)
Winner: aThinkingMuslim - what does a unicorn, a US president that will bring real change, and a thinking Muslim have in common? They're all figments of our imagination. (Hey yeah folks, I'll be here all week!)
Best Muslim blog dedicated to an extinct Empire - For the blog that immediately comes to mind when you hear Devlet-i Âliye-yi Osmâniyye (Lofty Ottoman State)
Winner: Yursil - for every other post dedicated to the Ottoman Empire. I mean, for God's sake, he's even got a post about some computer software that generates Ottoman music. Hey, I got an idea, how about a computer program that makes you stop pretending to be a Turk and start acting like the ABCD you really are?!
Fun Fact #1: Did you know that if you google Ottoman and Yursil, our good friend's blog comes up #1? Fun Fact #2: They actually have an entry at Wikipedia dedicated to explaining the term ABCD. Reason #3,622 why I love Wikipedia!
The Petticoat Junction Award - In memory of this classic black and white TV show that I actually enjoyed when I was a kid, this award goes to the blogger who painfully reminds me of my old age.
Winner: MuslimKid - Anyone who writes on the stresses of Sunday School and pressures of puppy love makes me feel very old. Really very old.
The Wilford Brimley Award - For the blogger who thankfully reminds me 'at least I'm not as old as THAT dude'. You'll note that no women bloggers were included in this category. There are some sacred grounds that one simply cannot venture into.
Winner: Darvish - Ya Haqq!
Runner-up: Dunner - Anyone who...Wait a sec, the dude just had his first child. My oldest (of three) is 10. Maybe he should be in the previous category?!
The 2008 Detroit Lions Award (for the international audience who have no clue who the Lions are, this award is called the Saudi Arabia-in-every-FIFA-World-Cup Award) - In celebration of teams that can never win, this award goes to the blogger who always loses.
Winner: Captain Chaos - For his various posts detailing the innovative ways he finds to lose an argument to his wife. For the love of God, win an argument man! You'd think with a WWF name like Captain Chaos, the brother would pull some superfly-Snuka move and win just once.
Runner-up: Achelois - For getting nominated three times in the past two years for that other blogging award (rhymes with Fast Pheasant) and having nothing to show for it. Let's setup a cage match with Achelois and Captain Chaos...I'd pay top dollar to find out who the biggest loser is. We could sell exclusive broadcast rights to HalalTube. Tell me I'm not the only one thinking this...
Best Blog by a Sister from New Orleans living in Dubai - Because we noticed a blatant gender bias in the awards, we added this token category to appease our female constituency. Please send all notes of appreciation to my personal email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Winner: Izzy Mo - Good job sister. Keep up the good work being the best New Orleansian blogging sister living in Dubai. I haven't tried it, but I bet if you google New Orleans, Dubai, Izzy, and Blog, you'll be #1. Correct that, I just tried and you've got the top 5 results!! No small feat I tell ya. Bask in your sunlight. Muslimah+New Orleans+Dubai+Blogging=EPIC WIN of the Gold Star variety.
The Miss Spelling Award - Dedicated to the blogger who forgot to spellcheck the title of his blog.
Winner: Mujahideen Ryder - I’ll admit I’m no spelling bee champ, but I'm guessing it's spelled Rider. Either that or you must have some sort of endorsement deal with the moving truck company. We'll cut you some slack since I hear you're a half Baltimoron.
Ted Haggard Award - To the blogger who constantly denounces an oppressed minority while secretly harboring traits of said minority.
Winner: Sophister - for all his FOB jokes, me thinks our good friend is trying to cover up for some FOB-related deficiency. Anyone ever hear the dude speak?? Yeah, me neither. Sophister, clear your name by sending me an audio clip of you saying 'I love my wife's volkswagon, Yaar'.
Favorite Blogging Stage Name - To the blogger who came up with the most imaginative blogging name.
For the first time ever in the long history of the Gold Star Awards, we have an unprecedented tie in this category.
Winner: Aziz Poonawalla. Very cool name you got there bro, but if I had to make one up, I woulda gone with Bloggerwalla. Just makes more sense. Kinda like a dentist renaming himself Dr. Dekay or Les Plack or a comedian named Joe Kerr.
Winner: Marc Manley. Perfect screen name for nikaah.com, but I can see its utility in the blogging world as well. After all, you just got married, no? To a blogging sister no less!
Get-a-Real-Job award - Celebrating the blogger with the most free time on his hand.
Is there any doubt who the undisputed champion is? :-)
Have a great 1430/2009 everyone!
*Please refrain from displaying our trademarked logo beyond 2009. Do not force us to pursue legal means. We will prosecute to the furthest extent of the law.