Cross posted at Muslim Bloggers Alliance
There seems to be a bothersome trend taking place in American Muslim communities. Now I can't say how recent this is (although my hunch is that its as old as the American Muslim community), but I've only become aware of it in the past few months. I'm referring to the trying times that convert sisters (new and old) are going through when interacting with their local communities. This can range from social stigma of not fitting into established women cliques to marital pressures to masjid accessibility issues.
Some sisters are complaining about feeling unwelcome at local Masjid events, which I know for a fact is not a new issue. Other sisters are complaining about the complexities of finding an appropriate mahrem or wali to help them in their social affairs (be it marriage or performing Hajj). And when they do find a wali, all too often these 'guardians' foolishly press the sisters to get married to the nearest Muslim bachelor (who happens to either be looking for citizenship or is divorced several times over). And lets not even go into the whole polygamy issue, where many of these sisters are made to believe that their husbands can abuse them in the name of Islam.
Now I consider myself to be somewhat informed of the American Muslim scene, so I'm a bit perturbed at my cluelessness of this development. Back when I was in Baltimore, I can honestly say that this problem never reared its ugly head in the public sphere.
Were these problems being swept under the rug? Probably. Were they ignored and disregarded as being petty issues that the sisters can handle internally? Maybe. Were the men simply not interested in dealing with the drama of the 'emotional' women? Very likely.
I'm even more ashamed of my ignorance because I was quite active in the local masjid, even having served in the Masjid Council for 4 years, and these social issues were never once brought to our attention. In hindsight, I'm sure the problem was there and I just wasn't privy to the inner circles of the female half of our community.
My worry is that if I was so out of the loop with regards to this serious crisis, then how many more sincere brothers and sisters are equally ignorant?
In the years of my Masjid activism, I don't recall any serious community-wide effort to help the converts (both male and female), besides an occasional Intro to Islam class. And even less focus was given to the new sisters. If anything was done, it was on an individual basis by some experienced sisters (convert and born) who took it upon themselves to help the newcomers. But nothing was ever institutionalized.
Speaking to the brothers, we've all seen the sad cycle of the new Muslim brother who is warmly embraced at first and then duly neglected afterwards. After a few weeks, he's never to be seen again. Now imagine how much more difficult it is for new sisters, who not only have the difficulty of coming to a new religion, but also have the gender cards stacked against them.
There is enough blame to go around. The brothers who are often in charge of the community affairs have neglected to address the needs of this blossoming minority. The sisters have dropped the ball in welcoming these newcomers and creating a safe space to ease their adjustment.
I admit I've been away from the US for over 4 years, so I may not know what is happening as far as recent community-wide efforts to tackle this specific challenge. But from the picture being painted in the Islamosphere, it doesn't look very rosy.
One final note. I may be overstating the extent of the problem. It may be that many newly converted sisters are coping with their difficulties with respectable support from the community. After all, people rarely go online and post a blog saying, 'Hey, look at me, everything is fine!' – normally blogs consist of rants on personal difficulties and daily struggles.
However, I would rather err on the side of caution. How many of us can honestly say that our communities have fulfilled their responsibilities when it comes to supporting the multifaceted conundrums of our convert sisters?
WAW
1 day ago
3 comments:
As-salaamu Alaikum
Subhanallah, you hit a lot of issues just at once here. Jazakallah khair.
The unwelcome feeling sisters have at their local masjid has a lot to do, I think, with the particular make-up of the community... and the fact that women can be very clique-y. Especially when the masjid is made up of one predominant ethnic group, it can be very difficult for a newcomer to fit in, convert or not! Alhamdulillah that's not a problem I struggle with, the community here is very diverse, mashallah, and actually very welcoming to convert sisters. The women running the "Women's Committee" are a make-up of converts who have been here for a very long time, but also Arab women, Pakistani women, Indian women, and we actually pretty regular hold events even specifically for converts (as example, an annual 'New Muslimah Dinner' and an annual 'Sisters Iftar' geared towards new members of the community).
The wali issue... I could go on for days. How is a woman supposed to adopt a wali? I really don't understand. I've asked the man to whom I said my shahadah to be my wali, just because I feel confident he knows me better than any other man I could ask, because he spent a lot of time giving me da'wah. Some sisters do the same, but there is also a situation there which might hold a conflict of interest for the new wali, who might be looking for a bride for any of his friends or relatives and might not act the best on the sister's behalf. Many sisters ask the imam, and giving all credit to the imams for what they do, how qualified are they, really, to do that for a sister--I wonder sometimes--since they might not even know her. It's just an opportunity, like you said, for a woman to be abused in the name of Islam, with someone who isn't really looking out for her interests, but someone else's.
The other case of convert women, though, is women who converted after getting married. I think they don't have quite so many of these adjustment issues, because by being married, they don't have to worry about finding a husband (let's assume he's decent though and not abusing her, and is very happy she became Muslim.) They have an easier time getting involved in the community because it's on a smaller scale--through relatives of her husband, and their friends, the wives of some of his friends, and so on, gives her a few people to go to right away to help introduce her to the rest of the community. She usually has immediate support when adjusting her lifestyle (adopting hijab, refraining from pork and alcohol, leaving certain holidays) as opposed to other converts who might face only criticism without any support at all. I don't mean to make it sound like it's always easier for married converts--sometimes they have a harder track.
I know the community here does have a program (for those who seek it out and can very cleverly find it) to support new brothers and sisters. It pairs each convert with a mentor to support him/her. And alhamdulillah, all the "mentors" that I know of are active in the community, well-rounded in their knowledge of the deen, and usually married, so they can help the convert to get involved in the community, learn about Islam, and in some instances even help with marriage. But the community here is pretty well-developed. I think the idea, when it is applied (and most converts aren't informed about it, regrettably) works very well.
All the same, it is sad to see converts (brothers and sisters) falling out of the community because they can't find support. There are many more women converting than men (a figure estimated at 4:1 I believe) and since women typically aren't involved in the masjid in the first place, there is a gaping hole for the people who are aware of this problem to step in to make a difference. (Another reason I think women should be involved, btw.)
At any rate, revert-helping should be a priority for mosques just like da'wah, with a path for people from one to the other. From getting da'wah, to help as a revert. Especially with the internet, it's more common for converts to learn about Islam through other ways than by talking to people who are already active in the community (which might have been how people received da'wah primarily in the past.)
Glad you posted this. I hope that inshaaAllah some of your readers are in a position to improve the situation in their own community.
AA- Sr. Amy, thanks for you informative thoughts.
You hit on one point that I failed to mention, which is the serious problem of married converts whose husbands do not convert. There is a serious fiqh dilemma as the traditional response is that she must divorce her husband.
I think this is very inhumane and quite unnecessary. I won't go into the fiqhi breakdown as that's not my specialty. Anyways, scholars really need to address this problem and help those sisters who are ostracized for NOT divorcing their husbands.
I like the mentor support program where dedicated brothers/sisters are assigned to the newcomers...
"I hope that inshaaAllah some of your readers are in a position to improve the situation in their own community."
As do I.
WA-
Naeem
AA
Excellent stuff, you are constantly challenging your audience to think about and to do things. I read this and decided to send this directly to my masjid (ISCJ) board of trustees and ask them point blank what process/team they have in place to help converts/reverts(male and female). Especially the paki/desi masjids are probably woefully inadequate. I urge everyone else to do the same. If your place does have something, make sure they communicate that out and it's not some big secret. Many of masjids do wonderful things but when it comes to bragging(marketing) they are too humble.
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