I remember from days long past, trying to be the first to yell 'Shotgun!' in an attempt to get the front passenger seat. The one rule governing this childish antic is that one must *see* the car in order to win the position. So my siblings and I would quickly throw on our shoes and run outside, screaming 'Shotgun!' at the top of our lungs.
Of course, the fun of being in the front quickly subsided when we discovered that it was rather easy for our father to grab our ears when we were situated right next to him.
And so, it is with that quaint memory that I read the question posed by a brother who recently commented:
"who sits beside the husband in the car? wife or mother?"
My initial gut reaction would be to have them compete for it the old-fashioned way (by shouting 'Shotgun!'), but in case my mother won, that would make it easier for her to grab my ear for having the audacity to ask her to play this silly game.
So after some thought, I would have to advise my good brother to seriously consider setting things straight in his home.
My first advice is one that I got from Sh. Zulfiqar who taught that when you get married you must realize that you now have two fathers and two mothers. You must treat your spouse's parents as if they are your own parents. All this garbage of father-IN-LAW or mother-IN-LAW needs to be rejected. Her parents are your parents. Full stop.
When she sees you treating her parents with the same respect as your own, she will undoubtedly 'return the favor'.
Once that is established, the wife must then realize that complete respect is owed to the parents. So if and when a situation arises where the wife and the mother are at odds, it must be clear that precedence goes to the mother. Full stop.
If someone is to eat first, it will be the parent. If someone is to sit first, it will be the parent. If someone is to speak first, it will be the parent.
Obviously, I am simplifying the complex dynamics between relations, especially those living under the same roof (which I might add is *always* a bad idea). But the husband and wife must realize that both sets of parents are to be placed on a pedestal.
I'm assuming that the parent is not abusively tyrannical, trying at all costs to sabotage the marriage, and make the life of the child a living hell. In that case, serious counseling may be needed for all involved parties.
Such extreme cases are the exception.
The problem nowadays is that all too often, the newly married couple feels it's their God-given right to be independent. They desire to make their own decisions. The concept of the extended family, where parents played a vital role in the lives of the newlyweds, has become outdated. The wife feels challenged when the husband's mother is present. The husband feels emasculated when the wife's father provides input. Too much ego, not enough humility. Sadly, I speak from experience.
Instead of welcoming and embracing the wisdom of the parents with awe and respect, the couple views them with disdain and spite.
To be frank, the fact that such a question (of whether the wife or the mother should sit in the front) was ever allowed to be voiced reveals the enormity of the fundamental problem - the absence of parental respect. In an atmosphere loaded with respect for all four parents, such a confrontation would never arise.
The child always yields to the parent. Full stop.
And when such a recourse is taken with the intention of pleasing one's Lord, no matter what the damage it does to one's ego, it will only result in goodness and blessing from Allah (swt).
WAW
5 days ago
7 comments:
Salams br. Naeem,
This is an utterly ridiculous post.
What if it is the wife's car and she is driving? Perhaps she should get out and let the mother-in-law drive, surely the mother-in-law, sorry, I mean one of her "two mothers" cannot be made to suffer the insult of being a passenger whilst the daughter(-in-law) has prime position in the driver's seat.
What if the wife is sitting in the passenger seat before you picked your mum up? Instead of new passngers simply sitting in the back as is more convenient and faster, maybe the whole car should be shuffled around. Which seat btw, should the kids be in? Are you going to come up with a back seat heirarchy too to ensure that no-one is out of their rightful place? Everytime the kids, wife and husband go and pick up the husband's mother the whole family can have a wonderful game of non-musical chairs around the car. A comical and respectful family pass-time if ever there was one!
And do you get out of the car and give your father-in-law the passenger seat if your wife is driving? Well?
What if, God forbid, your mother-in-law and mother are *both* present? What a dilemma you have on your hands then! How true will you be to your "two mothers and two fathers" assertion? Are you going to toss a coin to decide which of your two mothers gets the passenger seat?
Or what if br. Naeeem, actually neither wife nor mum really give a damn about nonsensical passenger-seat politics and are mature enough to not even give such petty ideas a second thought.
Just some considerations for you to ponder upon as you develop your theory :-)
Oh. What hilarious title. LOL. Me n my friends, buncha 20 year olds still go callin shotgun whenever we go anywhere and there are more then 3 people. Just the fun of winning shotgun is so worth it.
Your view point about the "in-laws" being treated differently, is very close to my view point and Im glad to find someone who has simliar views. Usually, my point is rejected on the basis that Im not married yet... :S
AA- V,
Oh wait, what if I'm transporting a bunch of chickens in my back seat, who's forced to sit with them? Ooh, ooh, yeah, I got another one - what about if my wife is driving a double-decker bus. Clearly the top is more respectable for my mother. But what if the kids and I are sitting downstairs; then wouldn't it be rude to have her sitting upstairs all alone?
Hmmm..you really got me thinking about all the possible scenarios.
:-)
Seriously, you seem to have overlooked the overarching theme of my post, that of parental respect. Clearly the various questions you pose can easily be addressed by considering what is most respectful.
And yes, I do agree that most parents don't really care where they sit, when they eat, and who talks first. But it's not about that. It's really about the gesture made by the child to the parent. The *offering* of the front seat. The *offering* to eat first. The *offering* of speaking first. And so on.
The fact that most parents will defer and insist on others going first is their nature. But the least the adult child can/must do is make a sincere gesture of respect.
"And do you get out of the car and give your father-in-law the passenger seat if your wife is driving? Well?"
Yes, I would get out. Is that so odd? Wasn't my wife driving but someone else, but yeah, I jumped out and insisted he sit in the front. No big deal. Wouldn't you have done the same?
LOL, if your wife was a bus driver I guess you would have to consider that too :-) ...but the questions I asked were all pretty realistic and most of them demonstrate the absurdity of this new golden rule. A respect ranking for car seats? Really?
As to your question, no not necessarily, and certainly not out of any strange notion of greater respect being attached to the front passenger seat. If I did insist on an elder sitting there, and I have at times, it would be for purely practical considerations. Out of deference they might be given greatest choice and seated before others so they are not inconvenienced in any way.
I understand that your post is about giving parents due respect, which is something few would disagree with. But your idea that the front passenger seat is the place denoting highest respect and where your mother should sit, whereas the back is a lesser domain and where your wife should sit is silly, as is the implied opposite that your wife being at the front and mother at the back is some great disrespect to your mother. I just find it odd and petty that seating arrangements in one's car are seen as an indicator of giving one's mother the appropriate respect.
AA- V,
I hear you - the front seat in the car is not the only way to show respect to elders. But in most places, being in the front is preferable to being in the back. That's why front row seats at a concert are a premium. That's why the front row has the most blessings in the Masjid. That's why White Americans pushed their Black counterparts to the back of the bus.
Respect (as well as disrespect) can be shown in different ways depending on the culture. In Desi culture (maybe a generation ago or so), it was a sign of immodesty (and thus disrespectful) for the man and wife to sit together on the same couch in the presence of the parents. But in Arab culture there is no such thing.
So my wife and I avoid sitting together when we're around my Pakistani parents, but have no qualms with doing so in front of her Arab parents.
Speaking of different cultures and the front seat, in Pakistan the front seat is actually NOT respectable, since its next to the hired driver. Its actually more preferable to sit in the back.
So, if I'm in the US, I'll insist my father sit in the front, but if I'm in Pakistan, I'll jump in the front without a thought.
Yes, in the bigger picture of how to correctly deal with one's parents, the front seat of the car is nowhere near the top. But it's just another small gesture that shows them that you realize your place is always beneath their place.
So, let's make a deal. If I ever have to pick you up, forget all this nonsense of the front seat - I'll simply reserve you a seat in the trunk!
:-P
Br Naeem, I agree with your assertion that parents need complete respect. full stop.
However, there ARE and DO EXIST mother in laws in specific(father in laws tend to be more chill for some rason) who seem to be looking for a lot of POWER and AUTHORITY without necessarily having the respect or politeness.
Even though my mother in law in general is a very nice lady, she has treated me in a way that has left me with a sour mouth.
I have married into the arab culture like yourself and i'm desi.
We do not go to extremes with fussing over what our kids wear like some people do whose lives revolve around appearances.
We do however dress our kids well and neatly. I also wear a jilbab that is usually plain and simple.
Now ever since we have moved recently and live closer to our inlaws, my mother in law has 'politely' tried to assert that I do not know how to dress "why don't u wear such and such color? why black bla bla even though i do not always wear black'.
She has tried to tell me that i don't know how to dress my daughter and then has tried to politely DICTATE what she is going to wear on what day. for instance, not giving me a present meant for the dauthter to wear until the day of! as if she's scared that i might dress her with something else that may not be good enough. god forbid.
So in the end, while I do think that parents need respect, OTHER people such as children also deserve respect.
Sadly, too often, because islam puts a huge stress on respectcing parents, that gets translated into disrespect for the younger ones.
I think that needs to be called out.
I think the assertion that they are old is a bunch of huee. one of my husband's aunts is SO polite with me and just the other day made a comment to her daughter in law, in front of a bunch of people, which was hurtful.
I think SOME not all adults know where they can get away with stuff.
My mother in law always likes to sit in the front. Her claim is that she gets sea sick in the back and so for 30 years has never sat in the back seat. However, there was one incident where she was forced to sit in the back seat and no such thing happened. To me its more about power. She wants to assert that she has power over her daughter in law and hence has to sit in the front all the time. She lives with us a lot. Once I was feeling nauseous and had abdominal pain and the brakes in the back seemed slightly more exagerrated than they do in the front and I could not gather the guts to ask her to sit in the back. And when my parents are in the care, they insist I sit with my husband!! Thats the difference between the daughters parents and daughters mother in law. I think that if the mother in law is staying long term, she should just let her daugther in law sit in the front with her husband at times and not make it a power thing. Unfortunately she loves being in power. Not only does she want her kids to ask "how high" when she says jump, she wants her daughter in law to do the same.
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