I have no home. In fact, I have been homeless for quite
some time now.
I don’t mean a place to sleep or park my car. For that I have a house.
But I have no home.
My bloodline tells me I’m from Pakistan.
My passport says I’m from America.
My current address informs me I’m in Saudi Arabia.
America is too First World.
Pakistan is too Third World.
KSA is too Not-of-my-World.
And so, I remain overwhelmed with a deep sense of
homelessness. You may counter that it doesn’t matter, for we are all strangers
in this world and we are all travelers in our journey to the afterlife. I agree.
But boy do I feel…displaced? Not exactly, for I never felt that I had
that *place* to begin with. Maybe
rootless, for I remain without any roots, but I think rootless isn’t even a word. Disconnected
is probably best – missing that connection to a rooted home.
I have no land that I can call my own. I have no affinity towards any one people. I hold no pride for any one language that I speak. My dress, while often of the American flavor,
is intermixed with Pakistani and Arab – and I feel no attachment to any of
them. I equally enjoy a good ‘ol-fashioned burger, Chicken Tikka Masala,
Palestinian Maqlooba and Saudi Kabsa.
And so I feel not wedded to any one land or people.
My childhood memories are embarrassingly flooded with the
self-gratification of the American 80’s.
I get nostalgic when I hear any song by the Culture Club or the Knight Rider theme song. Pathetic, I know.
I was raised on prathas and pizza, and while I celebrated
the Eids, I inescapably felt the seasonal joy of the Christmas season.
I speak fluent English with my wife and kids, passable Urdu
with my parents, and broken Arabic with my Lord.
Living in Riyadh for nearly 10 years, I am still
considered by most Saudis as my wife’s driver (especially since she sits in the
back seat with the little ones).
And so at the end of the day, I feel no sense of cultural
*ownership* in America, Pakistan, or Saudi Arabia.
Although I was born and raised in America, I feel
spiritually alienated and am convinced that a US-based future is very dangerous
for myself and my progeny.
Pakistan may be my ancestral land where my parents
currently reside, yet I find it too ‘foreign’ and unwelcoming for my western
sensibilities.
And while I appreciate the Islamic ambiance afforded me
in Riyadh and dislike the superficiality of it all, I know that in the end,
this can never be home.
So where do I go? I have no reliable link to the past of
any one heritage and I have yet to find a cultural soil ideal for the seeds of
my future.
When I was young, I would brazenly declare that Islam is
the only identity and culture we need.
Growing up in America, I was convinced that the unifying powers of Islam
mixed with the trans-cultural experience of the US would spring forth a new
generation free from the cultural baggage of our forefathers and overseas
brethren. I staunchly believed this new generation would be international and free
from borders - without need for any one culture.
Nearly thirty years later, I now see the fault in my
logic.
Man needs roots.
Man needs a home. Man needs to be able to look up the ladder of cultural
lineage and see a link to his ancestry and then look down and feel a sense of
stability for his progeny. Man needs to
know himself, his past and his future.
But if after years of self-evaluation, one sees a medley
of traditional mores and a mishmash of social customs and a jumble of cultural
affiliations, it will inevitably cause detachment and isolation.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that just as we need a solid
spiritual isnad (chain) linking us all the way to the Prophet (saw), we must also maintain our cultural isnad.
Most of us realize that the path of cutting off our
religious ancestors and inventing a completely new approach to our deen has
been fraught with errors and folly.
Similarly, I realize that cutting off our cultural ancestors and
creating a hodge-podge of various traditions and customs will result in an
inevitable feeling of suspension, discontinuity, and aloofness.
My isnad has been severed, leaving me without a land or a
people; and now, having rejected all the established traditions and cultures
that I have ever known, I find myself isolated and without any connections of
value, like a cultural salafi, hopelessly clinging to my dubious claim of cultural 'purity'.
Oh, and don’t feel pity for me. Save it for my children.
Their mother is a confused Palestinian-American and their
father is an even more confused Pakistani-American and they’re being raised in a
most confusing Saudi Arabia, interspersed with yearly jaunts back to America
and Pakistan.
Ouch.
19 comments:
Salam. I feel ya. Though I haven't moved about as much you have.
I have Indian parents, and I was born and raised in England. Went to primarily white, middle-class, Catholic schools, and lived a very different existence to my cousins who also grew up in England, but in the Desi ghettos; they still refer to India as 'home'.
Tbh, I would feel better if I were accepted as a cultural 'freak'; if my extended family saw my idiosyncrasies as something interesting, adding to our diversity, rather than a failure on my parents part to raise me as another Indian clone.
As I get older, I appreciate the roots you refer to - no matter how tenuous my link to them is - if only so I know how to behave in those situations where Islam gives us room to maneuver.
But I also look forward to exploring new cultural horizons, if possible, insha'Allah.
I think your children will feel blessed if you allow them to pick the roots they feel comfortable with. A bit of Pakistani, and a bit of Palestinian, with a splash of American flare. Especially if they learn a few languages, and become acquainted with the customs. They will seem 'worldly' in the eyes of their peers - even if they don't travel outside of KSA - and revel in the attention they receive. Insha'Allah, with humility. :)
Your isnad hasn't been wiped away; I think you will rediscover it when you explore these cultures with your children. Make it a family adventure. :)
Wa'salam
Interesting post – especially the discovery of how your youthful philosophy of cultural purity has been proven as faulty. I think your dilemma is one that many – if not most – Muslims in the Western world can relate to, to some degree. Unless you've grown up and live in your 'original' country, you don't have that solid chain of cultural history (i.e. thoroughbred - to use a racehorse / dog-related term).
Perhaps the issue is one of choice vs reality: you wanted a 'pure' Islamic culture and identity – yet such a thing doesn't exist. Culture has always been part of society, hasn't it?
Islam – on its own – should underlie everything. But culture is an aspect that every society has. At the time of revelation, the Arabs had their culture (and still do). And as Islam spread to other parts of the world, the various peoples accepted the message while still hanging on to their culture (hopefully only the aspects that which didn't conflict with Islam).
And now in today's world, there are people like us who come from a mixture of cultural backgrounds – but are united by the deen.
I think, maybe, it's unwise to totally reject all the cultures you came from – because as you say, we need roots. You could say we NEED culture.
So, my initial thought is that perhaps you should just take from each culture that which you think is good, and reject that which you think is bad / harmful.
And recognize that Islam is NOT a culture. It didn't come with its own "culture" which was meant to replace all other cultures. It came as the belief system and the way of life that should run through every aspect of our lives. But it is flexible enough to accept and live in harmony with culture.
May you – for both yourself and your family – find the roots you're looking for….
Asalaamualaikum.
I don't think that anyone has ever captured everything I feel in such an eloquent manner. The only difference between you and I is that I don't ascribe to any one culture or nationalistic ideal because of my very mixed ethnicity and heritage. The result is that I feel neither here nor there on a cultural level. The same goes for Islam. I see myself as Muslim, period. I don't ascribe to schools of thought Hanafi (my father), Shafi (my mother), Hanbali or Malik.
And even my Muslimness isn't entrenched into a specific system of beliefs. I believe in the Sunnah, and the 5 Pillars and being a good person, but I also like music and can only describe myself as a muslim focused on moderation.
Anyway, last week, Idescribed myself as lost... and I really meant it and for many, they can't understand - but it's like its all summed up here. I don't believe SA is my home. Where to from here. Only Allah SWT knows. And only He will judge me.
Here's hoping for the best InshaAllah.
I really enjoyed reading this post. Naturally I connect with the feelings you have expressed.
Perhaps we can reflect on a verse or two of the Quran & rationalize our sentiments - 'this life is mere folly & play' & 'only thru the rememberence of Allah is the heart satisfied'...
Without the individual roots & home that you & I crave for - in our midlife, our collective islamic community remains in a state similar to desert tumbleweed...
Permanently temporary. Alas.
Sounds to me like you are "worldly". Maybe that's where your roots are - in the world - as opposed to a specific country. I think it would be nice if all of us were more "worldly". Then perhaps the world would be less hateful and frightful and more peaceful and happy. Or, I'm dreaming. :)
wow insightful, Is this how my kids are goign to feel. I'm indina by birth and american by passport, but home is india , roots are india and we are moving back end of this yr . yaaaay...
I think we immigrants get the best of all world .. freedom, and american when young an d back home for companionship and culture when older...
nowadays india has everythig and more american has to offer. both spiritually and materialistically..
Br. Naeem,
You have the best blog on the net. Mahsaa Allah...
AA-
@iMuslim, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
"But I also look forward to exploring new cultural horizons, if possible, insha'Allah."
And if you stay 'rooted' in the UK, I believe that you will eventually arrive to this new cultural experience. I am convinced that if I had remained in the US, I would have been part of the new American Muslim culture (the good and the bad, but that's what culture is, right?). And although I would have distanced myself from my Pakistani roots, I would have forged a sense of stability, that I have a new adopted land and people - something to pass on to my progeny.
But I have chosen, as so many others, to turn my back on the land of my birth which has led to my current dilemma. Landless, peopleless, cultureless.
"I think your children will feel blessed if you allow them to pick the roots they feel comfortable with. A bit of Pakistani, and a bit of Palestinian, with a splash of American flare."
And isn't that the crux of the problem experienced by the cultural *salafi*. Pick from here, a little bit from there, and let's just create our own jumble of a culture, with no consistency in our methodology?
@DL, good points. If I recall correctly, you are from South Africa, no? If so, I think you folks (who have ancestors from the Indian subcontinent) are a few generations ahead of us newcomers in the West. I'd be very interested to hear about the process of cultural assimilation - like what role do the ancestral traditions play in this newfound culture of the South African Muslim? How much of the indigenous culture has been adopted? And so on.
"Unless you've grown up and live in your 'original' country, you don't have that solid chain of cultural history"
Or as I stated in my comment above to iMuslim, if you grow up and stay in your new adopted country, you have the chance to be part of new cultural chain - like what the South African Muslims are experiencing. At least you will be passing on a 'solid chain' to your progeny.
"So, my initial thought is that perhaps you should just take from each culture that which you think is good, and reject that which you think is bad / harmful."
Again, as I wrote to iMuslim, that is *exactly* the root of my problem. This mishmash of cultures, resulting in a disconnection with all of them.
u guys need to try out egypt. serously its just a lot better, except for the haram/medina part and women not being as modestly dressed.
its so much more welcoming. easy to get around. somehow more normal. and u can make SUCH A GREAT bubble of practicing muslim freinds, etc.
saudis culturally simply dont accept u. egyptians are way more easy going.
when i moved here 3 years ago, i used to feel like 'oh mi god where do i belong'.
my sister told me : U BELONG W/ THE BELEIVERS. full stop. that put my heart at rest alhamdulillah.
we are in strange times, i am pakistani also. mostly bruoght up in america. can't go back to pakistan its too different. would rather jump off a cliff than go back to the US to raise kids(obviously im exxagerating), also married to arab.
egypt has become home. i never want to go anywhere else.
AA-
@Azra, I'm somewhat surprised at your reaction. I figured you South Africans had a relatively established identity, what with the handful of generations that passed before, laying the groundwork for the current SA'n Muslim culture. What am I missing?
"I don't believe SA is my home."
What has caused you to feel this way? How many generations removed from India are you?
@Fahad, gee thanks for the pick-me-up! Can you be any more negative?? :-)
"Permanently temporary"? Nice. Yes, I realize the bigger picture, as taught by our Prophet (saw) - that we are all travelers. But wasn't that supposed to be a state of mind, and not so much a physical phenomenon? :-)
@Edith, 'Worldly' is probably correct, but that simply reinforces my conundrum, does it not? Creating a smorgasbord of customs and traditions does not invite stability - it creates confusion.
Indeed, the world would be less hateful and frightful if more people would less fanatically associate themselves with their national/cultural/ethnic ties. Good point. But the ties I'm referring to are not the fanatical variety, but the more moderate ones.
AA-
@Anon, I hope you find this stability and connection that I wrote about.
"I think we immigrants get the best of all world .. freedom, and american when young an d back home for companionship and culture when older..."
Well said, however, I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't believe that culture can only be found outside America. I do believe that my compatriots, the American Muslims who grew up and *stayed* in the US, will be part of the generation that will forge their own new culture. Its an inevitable process. If not their generation, then their children for sure. It happened with previous migrant generations (Italians, Greek, Jewish, etc.) and it will happen with the American Muslims (and all their different flavors - Egyptian, Pakistani, Somali, etc.).
Sure, the first few iterations (like my generation and their offspring) will have identity issues, but eventually their American-ness will firmly establish itself and the new culture will override any confusions stemming from 'back home'.
My issue is specifically applicable to those who grew up in the West and are choosing NOT to establish themselves there. In our diaspora, we are having an identity crisis (of sorts - Islam provides a nice stabilizing effect). We are caught in the middle, literally in some sense as KSA is between the West and East!
@Taqiudeen, not sure what you are trying to say exactly. Can you be more clearer? No need to beat around the bush.
:-)
Yes – I'm from South Africa. I can only speak for myself and from my own experiences – not others. So with regard to cultural assimilation, I would say Indians here (and I speak here of Indians of all religions) are very strong in culture. I think we have, though, fallen in line with Muslims in other Western countries when it comes to Western (particularly American) cultural imports. The popular culture of the West – via music, movies, fashion…everything – it's all infiltrated into our communities and youth and thinking, and I think we have many of the same struggles as Muslims in America and elsewhere with regard to a dual identity. But I think we still are more conservative / traditional – in general. we haven't become so liberal as our Western counterparts.
And despite the Western influence that has entered into our communities so widely, Indians here still have immensely strong cultural roots – and that's something that I think keeps living on even as the generations pass. We have a very multi-ethnic population, and personally, I feel we are very accepted in this country as Indians – because we've been here for centuries and we've contributed a lot to the country.
And with regard to Islam, the same thing. Especially here in Cape Town. If I'm not mistaken, Cape Town is the biggest Muslim population in the whole country – and it really doesn't feel like we're a minority here at all. If you ever wanted to move to this country, CT is the place :).
I don't think we've adopted 'indigenous' culture much – 'indigenous' if you mean the African cultures. It's been the 'white' culture – coming from Europe and America – which has influenced us more.
But to me, despite the very real dangers of that culture – which is obviously having a very negative effect on our communities – this is still an awesome place to be. The religious freedom we have here is really enviable – we're often told we have more freedom to practice our deen the way we want than some Muslim countries.
I don't think any Muslims in the West are safe from the cultural pollution of the popular culture and disintegrating social values that sweep the globe. Even in so-called Muslim countries, you're probably not safe. I just read an article about a Muslim version of Miss World in Malaysia (I think) – where the contestants are all in hijab, and instead of the usual 'talents', they have to be able to recite Quran and speak another language. It's just a 'muslimisation' of a Western concept, really.
With regard to your dilemma, my suggestion – whether it's wise or not – is be in (or move on to) a place that you think is most likely to fit with what you want for the future generations of your family. That may sound obvious, but it's the best I can think of. I speak from the cultural point of view as well as the protection-of-deen perspective.
If Western countries are too liberal, it rules them out. If Europe is too hostile to Islam, that probably rules them out too. And if Middle Eastern countries are too confusing – one country ultra-conservative / Wahabbi, and another ultra materialistic (e.g. Dubai), then that too may be out. Down here in SA also has its disadvantages – but I still think we're better off than most; and if we were strong enough in da'wah, what an amazing country we could have insha-Allah.
Or you could find a remote village somewhere and live a simple, natural life away from the troubles of modernity. (Though that would probably also be taken away over time).
I guess there is no perfect place – because this isn't Jannah. And it'll never be perfect – unless you happen to live in those 7 years when Nabi Eesa a.s. rules. So with our current world, you do the best you can – and find the best environment you can. Or rather, the environment that's not as bad as the others…a 'lesser of two evils' kind of thing.
Brother Naeem, I am South African, but there is a marked difference between Dreamlife and myself. I'm not "Indian" (not entirely) and I don't identify with the culture. I come from a very ethnically diverse family and I have Irish, French, Indonesian, Malaysian, Persian, Arab, Indian roots. So I don't identify with a single culture, while members from my fathers family have a predominantly Indian culture and members in my Mothers family either have a Cape-Malay or Arab culture.
As South Africans, we're Nationalistic in that we identify ourselves as South Africans and we can identify some parts of SA culture in our cultures too. SA culture btw, is not "indigenous" as you think... it's more a mixture of British, Dutch, German and other continental cultures that evolved over the centuries.
As for why I don't believe SA is my home, well something just doesn't click. Ever since I was a wee kid, I was always wishing I was somewhere else. Now as an adult, whenever I travel abroad - and it doesn't matter where I go - I NEVER want to come home and I'm always depressed for 6 months after a trip.
I find that SA has a very American culture in that the focus is on acquisition and materialism. I'm much more attracted to a simpler wholesome life where life is slower and centered around the sanctity of family and not this shallow race to acquire things.
AA- DL and Azra,
Really appreciate your perspectives. I seriously would like to learn more of the SA Muslim experience. You guys write anything in your respective blogs about this issue?
Assalamu alaikum,
I can relate alot to your post here Brother Naeem because I'm going through a similar experience. Right now my family and I are also living in KSA; we're also originally from the US and both my husband's family and mine are from South Asia (Bangladesh to be exact). I've also felt this rootlessness from time to time and have wondered what is causing it. I also feel like this rootlessness is compounded by the fact that as expats you never know how long you can stay in KSA; even if expats do get to stay here a long time there's a good chance their kids won't be able to once they become college-aged. The only consolation I can offer is that at least the kids will have experienced life in both Muslim and nonMuslim countries, which is pretty valuable in terms of comparing and contrasting different lifestyles and creating empathy for the plight of others. I pray Allah makes it easier for all of us to bear patiently our different circumstances in life.
I will try to find something in the archives, InshaAllah.
I don't think I've written anything specifically about culture, or the SA Muslim experience - but you can check through the categories on the blog and see if anything fits what you're looking for.
You can mail me if you want to talk further: sir zippopotamus gmail com.
That'll probably be better in terms of more in-depth stuff you'd like to know about.
AA-
@R, you've summed up a few of my own personal concerns as a resident in the Kingdom. Of course, no one here can ever realize a sense of permanence and that's why KSA could never be a permanent home, even if I found some sort of resonance with the local culture (which I don't).
@DL, thanks and I look forward to continuing our discussion offline...
There is no folly or faulty in this. The world is becoming flat, borderless, regionless and international. The Chinese villager who migrated to the big city like Shanghai feels the same disconnect even though they are technically in their own country. There is great transformation and shift happening in the world and I think being in Saudi Arabia is good place to wait and watch where the chips may fall!!
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