Back in an age when marriage lasted a lifetime and divorce was not considered a failure of the marriage, but a failure of the self, a learned sheikh was approached by one of his students.
"Oh teacher, we have noticed how your wife is so abusive of you. She has embarrassed you in public countless number of times and never loses an opportunity to insult you. How come you don't simply take your legitimate right and divorce her?"
After a brief moment of silence and deep thought, the teacher looked up at the student and gently responded.
"My son, if I were to divorce this woman, one of two things would occur. Either she would remain a single divorcee or she would get remarried. In the first case, she would become miserable and lonely and I do not wish to be the cause of her misery. In the second case, she would cause her new husband untold difficulty and I do not wish to be the cause of his misery.
And so I have decided it best to take it upon myself to bear the burden of this misery. 'Surely Allah does not waste the reward of the doers of good' (9:120)"
Just don’t call it genocide
1 week ago
15 comments:
Lol. This is comical to me. I don't think many of us are as noble as the Shaykh in this story.
However, the point about divorce being a failure in yourself is true.
If two people have the notion that they must MAKE their marriage work, it will work.
-Faique
awesome way of looking at it...
Then again there's the advice of Sayyidna Ibrahim (`alayhi's salam)- and prophets are better than obscure shuyukh- to 'replace your door-frame/porch'.
Lol.
This reminds me of a similar story I read. It was also about a sheikh and his wife, who was also verbally abusive towards him. What's more he was said to be good-looking while his wife was not. So when his disciples asked him why he didn't just divorce her he explained, "She may have done a good deed for which Allah may have rewarded her for in this life by having her marry me. Likewise I may have performed a bad deed for which Allah may be punishing me in this life by having me marry her. I choose to be patient through this ordeal for Allah rewards those who are patient".
I'm not sure how it is in everyone elses part of the world, but here in SA, the divorce rate has shot up through the roof over the last 10 years or so.
When my parents got divorced about 2 decades ago, it was such a strange and odd thing because they were one divorced couple out of 4 in the entire community! (roughly 120 thousand people).
These days, 8 out of every 10 couples end up divorced in the first year of marriage! And for reasons that are considered stupid and not legitimate. It's quite scary actually.
Salam Naeem,
This is both very funny and wise. I told my wife that I'm hoping for a reward from Allah
Greg
Lol! That was smart of him, i don't think anyone thinks like that these days..
AA-
@MK, "If two people have the notion that they must MAKE their marriage work, it will work. " While I agree with you, just know that this is much, much easier said than done.
:-)
@Anon2, "and prophets are better than obscure shuyukh-"
Not sure what you're implying here. Neither of the two advices (that of Prophet Ibrahim and the sheikh) ought to be taken as absolutes. Each has its own lesson to be derived.
@R, beautiful story! And mind you, the story could be easily flipped with the husband being no good and the wife being patient. Quite useful for the politically-correct times we live in. :-)
@Azra, yeah, divorce rates have been going up here in KSA as well. Its a trend that many have noted, especially in the media. Not sure about the statistics, but I'm sure its the same in the American Muslim community.
I think you'd be interested to hear that widespread divorce is another one of the signs of the end.
@Greg, funny. In my case, I'm not sure who's getting the reward, me or my wife. ;-)
@Sadiyah, sadly you're right. I doubt anyone nowadays has the patience of this sheikh.
@RCHOUDH
I have heard that very story in reverse - where an ugly man was married a beautiful woman, and a visitor once asked her why she is with him. She replied in the same manner as the man in your story.
@Naeem bhai,
It is a fact that the only time I've ever understood the commandment "loving someone only for the sake of Allah" is when I got married and figured out how much one has to put up with
Jazak Allah khayr for your post, I think its contains an important lesson for many of us today.
I often ponder over my own marriage, and wonder whether its worth continuing or not. There's a lot I am unhappy with about with my wife; her deficiencies in akhlaaq, adaab, haya, knowledge and intellectuality. At times I feel really frustrated at how little we have in common, of how I can't share my interests with her. Yet we have children together whom I love to death, and I don't really dislike her either. And despite her shortcomings, I feel she does care for me. Divorce would be devastating for her, both emotionally and financially, not to mention the trauma to the kids. I'm not so heartless a person to chose my happiness over my wife's or my children's, and besides, how could I be happy knowing I'm the cause of someone else's misery? So I've decided to accept this as Allah's will and pray that inshaAllah, He blesses our marriage with righteous children and with happiness.
AA- Anon,
"how could I be happy knowing I'm the cause of someone else's misery?"
Indeed you captured the basic spirit of the post. And truly in these times, such a sentiment is so rare. All too often, the nafs gets involved and leads the charge for divorce, insisting on causing as much misery for the spouse as possible.
What a stark contrast to the ihsani approach where the good of the other is given priority over the good of the self.
As Anon before you stated,"the only time I've ever understood the commandment "loving someone only for the sake of Allah" is when I got married"
I think its fair to say that more marriages (and not just nowadays, but in past generations as well) are of the variety discussed in this post and comments than the fairy-tale 'happily ever after' kind.
And the more people understood this cold, hard fact before they got married, the lower the rate of divorce would be.
I too have chosen to stay with my husband who is a good provider, a good muslim and a good father for the sake of family and children.
We have our differences and sometimes they have really made me think whether I should leave.
But the good far outweights the bad and the bad MUST be managed.
Because leaving ruins alot more. And staying will inshallah be best because many issues go away after a while. People change. circumstances change.
Such is life. You make the best of it and are happy.
Our islamic mentor/teacher who i learned islam from..talkd about how most marriages function on mercy..not necessarily love.
ummbudimary
salam akhee.what an awesome story for people to read and reflect.
Indeed love is an act of faith and whoever is of little faith will be of little love.
Id just like to add that the story of Ibrahim(as) and the doorframe, Ibrahim(as) message was to change the doorframe because it wasnt good 4 his islam not because she wasnt a good wife 4 him.
The spouse that we choose should be someone who is good for our islam and not someone who is good based on our perception of good. Someone who would be good for our piety and help to produce a pious family.
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