My father never really beat me. When upset with me, he would either grab my ear and squeeze really hard or force me into the murghi (chicken) position.
(What’s that? You’ve never heard of the murghi? Oh you poor, deprived non-Desi soul. This quaint punishment imported from the Indian subcontinent requires the trouble child to squat down, loop arms under the knees, and grab hold of the ears - Hold position until father finishes eating dinner, wakes up from nap, or just forgets about you.)
So, I’ve never really considered any type of corporal punishment on my children. I would normally yell at them until they obeyed and if that didn’t work, I would resort to taking away some privilege (ie. grounding). For the most part, that worked with my older 11yr old daughter and my 9yr old son.
However, in the past year or so, Humza’s been getting a bit rebellious and isn’t too bothered with losing his privileges. He’s quite strong willed and if need be, he’s willing to sacrifice playing video games or going out in order to get his way. He’s slowly lost respect for our authority and has even had the gall to talk back a few times.
This had to stop. Immediately.
So, in the midst of one of these spats, he went too far and I decided enough was enough. I took him into the bathroom, laid him over my laps, and smacked him on his behind. His reaction? He let out an is-that-all-you-got? chuckle. I got even more upset and hit him as hard as I could. Nothing. His butt was simply too thick. I ended up stinging my hand with no effect whatsoever on the chubby offender.
After that mishap, I decided to simply start hitting him on the back of his hand whenever he would upset me or his mother.
But, his attitude wasn’t changing. In fact, I noticed him getting worse.
So I did what I should have done from the get-go and starting researching the matter. I quickly learned that Muslims have no real thought-out plan on raising a well-disciplined child. Most scholars and teachers provide generic advice on how to cultivate a righteous child, but nothing exists (that I could find) that details how to specifically deal with a problem child.
But wow! There's a plethora of documentation on the Christian side. I mean, these folks have it down to a science. They offer multiple approaches in great detail with alternative steps for varying situations. Amazing stuff!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Muslims know what they’re doing - they just haven’t institutionalized it. We don’t write about it in our books or teach it in lectures.
Muslims just aren’t into counseling as an institution. We’re simply told to deal with the problem (whether it’s a rocky marriage or a tantrum toddler or a pubescent teen or an in-family squabble) according to the Quran and Sunnah. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that just doesn’t cut it.
And so, I found much enlightenment on how to deal with a child from the vast collection of Christian books and websites on the topic.
1. The most important lesson I learned was consistency. Establish a rule and stick to it. Initially, I would yell out some random rule (“No more eating in the family room”) and never follow through with it. This led to the kids losing respect for my rules or simply unable to keep track of the latest rule. I now have fewer rules, but am unswerving in enforcing them.
2. Another essential concept is called First Time Obedience (FTO), which stresses that the child should obey the parent the first time they hear a command. The parent should never repeat him/herself. In repeating , the parent is implicitly stating that it’s ok NOT to obey the first few times – and that obedience is required only upon repetition or when an ultimate threat is given (“If you don’t listen, I’m going to ground you!”).
3. One should never raise their voice when asking the child to obey them. Again, the child is learning that the first few times when the request was made in a normal voice, he isn’t required to act – and obedience is only required when the parent begins to yell.
4. Drop the stupid counting to three tactic. When you ask the child something, your request should be serious enough to warrant immediate attention. By counting to three, you’re telling them that the initial request wasn’t to be taken seriously.
5. Stop with the crazy threats (“I will ground you for one year if you hit your sister again”). Say you what you mean and mean what you say. Follow-through is most critical.
6. Be ready to outlast them. Children are very keen on testing the parents to find their breaking point. If the child puts his foot down, be ready for a long staring match. If you give in, all what you’ve worked for will go down the drain.
7. In carrying out an order, the child must do so with a proper attitude. Grumbling and pouting while doing so is unacceptable and must be repeated, but with a better attitude.
When it comes to punishment, timeouts and groundings may be effective in some cases, but the stick must always be kept as an option. There’s so much negativity out there against physically disciplining one’s child. Clearly there is a difference between beating a child to a pulp and smacking them as a means of discipline. But all too often, both get thrown around as being forms of child abuse. That’s too bad because a properly placed smack can go a long way in dealing with a problem child.
Personally, I’ve begun to use a small stick with a quick smack to the back of the calf as their punishment.
And here is what I learned about the stick:
1. Never hit the child in a state of anger. Always be in control of your emotions. If you’re upset, walk away and come back when you’ve cooled down.
2. Let them understand that the punishment is a direct result of their action. No need to lecture. Just be clear that they understand how they broke the rules.
3. Never hit the child to hurt. The smack should be a deterrent from which they learn, not a scar that causes humiliation or hatred.
4. Never hit in front of others. The punishment is not intended to embarrass the child.
5. Never make play of the punishment or the stick. Nothing to do with it is a joke and the children must realize that it’s very serious.
6. Never hit with your hand. The hand should be seen as a part of the parent and should symbolize care and love. Using a small stick is ideal.
7. Fight the urge to hug or caress them after the punishment. Don’t tell them that this hurts you more than it will hurt them. The parent needs to be strong in establishing the importance of his/her order.
8. Of course, there are appropriate ages for implementing these punishments. You can't hit a 2-yr old toddler and if you're hitting a 16-yr old, it's probably too late.
All that being said, I can’t emphasize enough the need for a loving environment in which the child sees the parents smiling and playing with them more often than punishing them.
Finally, I like how the Christian perspective links the parent-child obedience to the God-man obedience. God doesn’t repeat or count to three or yell - He simply states a command and expects it to be followed. We try to constantly remind them that following our orders is but a subset of following the orders of Allah (swt).
WAW
5 days ago
21 comments:
Seems you've been doing some tomato stalking as they say. It's a very good book, my wife uses it too :)
The basic idea is to teach our kids what is expected of them. Once they know what Allah (or mum/dad) expects from them (either through habit, keeping good company, hearing instruction, or whatever), then the rest should be easy. It doesn't mean that they will never do the unexpected, no one is perfect. We all have our id, caprice, basic desires, that lead us to things which are not in our best interest. And in the far end of the spectrum, we have the shaytan playing his own cards. As the Prophet (Allah bless and give him peace) has informed us: The shaytan runs in the human vein. Also every child is touched by Shaytan expect Jesus the son of Mary (Peace be upon them both).
So, even after they know what is expected of them, they WILL still step out of line, and when they step out of line, a reminder is required - or in some cases you can let it go if you see that their conscience is ticking and they regret it. But certainly reminder benefits the "believer" (i.e someone who already believes insomething, someone with a sense of expectation of themselves). Reminder however (whether with stick or steaks) typically doesnt benefit a "disbeliever": it's like telling an atheist to pray. Pray to what?
Bad analogies, but the point is that there has to be a sense of what is expected of me before rebuking me for what I dont even know that I am doing wrong.
Even Allah Himself mentions in the Qur'an that we dont punish until after we have sent a rasul.
If children have no clue about what is expected of them, nothing will work, not even electric shock. Rather they will become confused and utterly bitter. Rage. They will go back to doing the exact same thing immediately after the so-called reminder/consequence for non-compliance.
So, let most of our effort go into teaching them what Allah expects of them. This require being on their case 24/7 for a couple of months or so. This is best done in the early years. Once that phase is over - which is the phase you have accurate described above, then you can gradually leave them to auto-pilot. The withdrawal must be gradual also, say 10% let-go. Then 20%, then 30%, and so on.
Literally, you have to rear your children, otherwise they will get reared by something - and there are many things that can rear children in todays superbly dysfunctional societies. May Allah Help us.
And don't forget, ultimately you have to make lots of dua'a for them. This is an apriori. Afterall your success is only through Allah. Dua'a comes before any discipline curriculum. There are many supplications that Allah has taught us in the Qur'an
25: 74-75
"And those who pray "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous. Those are the ones who will be rewarded with the highest place in heaven because of their patient constancy; therein shall they be met with salutations and peace"
And also:
46:15
My Lord! grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely I turn to Thee, and surely I am of those who submit.
May Allah give us tawfiq to 'worship' Him through our families. Amin
Thank you so much Brother Naeem for this post on disciplining one's child. As a parent myself, I too struggled to figure out how to do exactly that. Reading parenting books from the West, I was always under the assumption that physical discipline is always wrong. So I felt guilty whenever I hit my kids into behaving (mainly by smacking them in the behinds). I remember a couple times in the States whenever I was outside with my kids, I had to restrain myself from physically disciplining them because I could just imagine the strangers around me assuming I was just an uneducated Third World mother who wasn't enlightened in the "real" ways of raising a child (as told by the West).
I realize now that time outs and grounding aren't always effective with children. And I also know now that physical discipline under certain conditions is allowed in Islam. One important condition is that no one should ever get slapped across the face. But you're right also Muslims should really find out how to fuse counseling methods with the teachings of Quran and Sunnah. I feel that's a deficiency on our part, not Islam's.
Another thing I learned from Islam, you know that famous hadith where Rasul (SAWS) says to beat a child when they don't pray by the age of ten? My husband says that can only be done if you properly raised your child to consistently observe salah up until that age. If a parent never bothered teaching a child how to pray (and/or practice other aspects of Islam) by that age, they have no right to physically discipline their kids. Instead they have to encourage their child and explain the benefits of prayer in order to get them to pray (and practice other aspects of Islam). In other words they have to learn to give Dawah.
Check this out an article about how spanking may actually be good for kids:
http://www.nationalpost.com/most-popular/story.html?id=2409510
Great post... going to link to this on fb!
My mother told us one time after my brothers and I complained about being whacked, "I am not a perfect parent, but there sure as heck wasn't a 'child-rearing' university I could have attended!"
thanks for the tips....my son hamza is just the same...will try ur ideas
Haha wow. Very nice post bro! Honestly, this is something that has crossed my mind a lot. Just like you, my dad never hit, and my mom, well I was never that bad of a kid to begin with. So I've always wondered how you raise a child to become obedient.
There is a lot of confusion on this topic. I would think to myself, if you are too nice, the child might truly have no respect for your authority and consider you as someone whose words are meaningless. This is the case with many sons and their mothers.
On the other hand, if your too ready-to-discipline, then you will end up exercising so much authority on the child that you might make them complete hate your authority and see it as oppressive. Father-son relationships turn like this and things get ugly when the child grows up. I have some cousins whose dad is 'religious' and he never let them watch movies as kids and now they are very liberal having grown up. I feel that it might be accredited to an over exercise of parental authority and a lack of child-parent love.
So this post was very good in addressing those points! I would bookmark it but I feel like I wont have access to the bookmark itself by the time I'm ready to re-read this post.
Inshallah Allah blesses us all with children who don't need to be disciplined. Oh and about Hamza, I've heard that the 'rebellious' ones are the one who grow up to be the 'most faithful' ...probably just a Desi stereotype but just saying.
PS. Phew, my dad never made me be a Murgi..although my Quran teacher used to long time ago. and Shouldn't it be "Murga" (male)? Lol.
-The Muslim Kid-
Also, this reminds me of a lecture by Shaykh Husain where he talked about "changing people through love" and basically he talked about Shaykh Zulfiqar's family and how if one day Shaykh Zulfiqar is quiet or doesn't inquire his sons about their well being, they understand they have done something wrong and correct it.
Yet, that can only be the case IF we give our children, wives, etc, an immense amount of love and care that if it ever lacks, it is noticeable.
-The Muslim Kid-
A wonderful post, Naeem. As parents we are all tested and very rarely are we blessed with the perfect child. Thanks for the reinforcement and recap of the things we should all be doing as responsible parents.
As salaam alaikum Naeem! When I first started ready I was thinking I was going to have to recommend Super Nanny (some of it worked for me) but by the end you gave me more then I had, JazackAllahuu Kahir!
Salaams:
Aren't the Christians the ones who believe in "spare the rod, spoil the child" lol?
But you are correct in that consistency is the key - with rules, boundaries, and limitations.
This is one helpful post for the parent,I must say.It's no chicken feet disciplining a child in the environment we live today.Thank you for the tips and I'll try not to lash out with my hand as I've not been using the cane for a long long time now.
Lat
Nice post. Just out of interest, is this study of discipline techniques a recent thing you've undergone?
I personally don't have kids(yet), so I'm not really qualified to say much, however with my nephews, I've noticed that the 'look' goes a long long way. A few important tips given to me by a very close friend of mine were:
1) Have a certain look, 95% of the time, that is all you should need, if used correctly.
2) Never shout or loose it, otherwise verbally you've done the worst thing you can do, instead, if the situation looks like it's getting sticky, change the tone of your voice and emphasis, this should be enough to show them your serious and it's not a good idea to push it further.
3) Always follow through with what you say.
The same friend loves to strategize and read into these areas. I remember on our trips to Jarir bookstore, he would spend considerable SR's each time, he just couldn't help himself. He said parenthood requires you to continually adapt through it as the kids go through their various stages. Masha Allah he has quite a few kids, but I was truly shocked when i saw their behaviour. Most well-behaved kids i have ever seen, the oldest at the time was 11, but the level of maturity was amazing. While his children have beautiful manners and still remain kids in their innocence and games, I am sure that part of the reason they are so well behaved and mature is that their father is a great role model.
On Muslims not being into counseling as an institution, i'd say that may have been the case, but it's rapidly changing, especially in the West. Only today I heard about a course being given by a Muslim Consultant Psychiatrist along with a scholar on Parents, in-laws and dealing with issues etc. He also did a research paper on 'Parenting: Psychological and Behavioral Management of Children and Adolescents'.
ISLAMASAURUS
AA-
Sorry for the late replies folks. Having internet problems.
@Anon, "Seems you've been doing some tomato stalking as they say. It's a very good book, my wife uses it too :)"
Yup, Raising Godly Tomatoes is an amazing book...most of what I got is from there and substantiated on countless other websites.
@R, "If a parent never bothered teaching a child how to pray (and/or practice other aspects of Islam) by that age, they have no right to physically discipline their kids."
Excellent point. No benefit in spanking the child if he/she hasn't been taught how to act to begin with.
@MK, "this reminds me of a lecture by Shaykh Husain where he talked about "changing people through love""
I agree. This must be the foundation of our approach towards kids (and of course, each other). It is the Sunnah of our Creator (swt). It was the Sunnah of our dear Prophet (saw). But just as Allah (swt) has warned us of His punishment and the Prophet (saw) was forced to wage wars, we too must be prepared for the worst case scenarios of disciplining our children.
AA-
@Abu Yasmin, "I was thinking I was going to have to recommend Super Nanny "
Are you referring to the TV show or is there a book/site by that same name? If the latter, I'd be interested in checking it out.
@Islamasaurus, "Only today I heard about a course being given by a Muslim Consultant Psychiatrist along with a scholar on Parents, in-laws and dealing with issues etc."
True, there are many individuals and groups out there providing counseling services to the Muslim community. But in order for it to become institutionalized, it has to be established as a necessity, not a luxury. I don't think I'm wrong in saying that most Muslims scoff at the idea of counseling (parental, marriage, etc.). And that really needs to change, IMO.
As-salamu alaykum.
I have to say I found this - particularly the numbered lessons you've derived - absolutely amazing, and I'll tell you why.
I am actually not a parent.
However, I am a student of horsemanship. And I can tell that each and every point you've listed is absolutely KEY in training a horse.
I've long felt that there is a direct link between self/child development and horsemanship.. that the narrations advocating learning/teaching horsemanship are not just promulgating benefits obvious ie the role in war.
I guess the commonality is that in both scenarious you have a person in authority who needs to have good leadership and nurturing qualities, imparting not just training and learning but requiring compliance in doing so, in a way that is beneficial to the receiver though they may not know it yet.
(By the way the sole difference I found while reading is that in horse training one 'NEVER' uses punishment as a teaching/disciplining measure.. (what is used to correct an error (without going into detail) is further hard work such that the horse learns that his best way to an easier life is to comply).
Contrary to assumption the whip is not meant a punitive device (it's actually a communication device).
The horseman who, like in films, whips his horse in anger.. or even not in anger as a means of correction or punishment is actually a very poor horseman.. and is storing up trouble and resentment in the animal for the future. Though he may see that he is getting some short term compliance.. but all he is doing is in really breeding resentment, making the animal fearful and increasing the chances the animal will turn on him in the future.)
Anyways - listen, I wanted to write this to thank you: your points resonating for me in this way is really heartening to me on a personal level, and encourages me to further study and explore the link I speak of.
In return I want to mention vice versa one point crucial in a horseman/leader that may read on to disciplining a child, by a parent/leader.. I don't know.
The horseman must have self-control - in his own movements such that his signals are clear, and in his emotions such that he is calm and patient - in order to seek control of the horses movements and receive the trust from the horse to obey without reluctance.
If you can't control even your self then how do you expect to be successful in controlling others.
wassalam
@ Naeem: Jo Frost (i.e., "SuperNanny") has both the TV series and at least three books. (I bought one for my wife some years ago.) My wife and I have been watching SuperNanny on TV now for quite a few years, and are starting to implement some of her techniques (e.g., the naughty corner and saying "sorry") with our 18-month-old daughter.
AA- IbnJamal,
What an amazing comment! I'm fascinated by this link between horses and children. I wonder if it also applies to circus bears, dolphins, and other trained animals??
What does it say about how Allah (swt) created man in such a state of mind that a child so closely resembles animals, right down to the details of instructing them?
Hmmm..this needs some serious deep thought. Thanks for sharing your experiences bro.
AA- JD,
Thanks for clearing things up. I think I may have watched this US-based Nanny reality show a while back. There were three of them and they would go into a family's home for a week or so and critique the way the parents dealt with their problem kids.
After the first few times, I think I never watched it again cause I was so turned off by the way these parents were spoiling their kids rotten.
But yeah, I remember thinking that they had some good techniques. I forget, did they ever advocate spanking?
Wa 'alaikum salaam.
Yes, there was indeed that one show (I forget the name) where three nannies would be briefed about a particular family's situation, then one would go to the family to help them (if she could). It became clear to my wife and I that this show was a crock (one dad in particular treated his wife like a slave, which his son was beginning to emulate, and his behavior was so atrocious that, when he changed his attitude on the next to last day it was obvious that the producers had threatened him in some way - at the very least, keeping his episode off the air). My wife and I stopped watching that show after that episode, and the local cable provider has never aired the series since then.
As for spanking, I haven't seen any show advocating it. Frost certainly wouldn't, and even in America it's a controversial issue as to whether it should be done or not.
Let me share with you my pet peeve in the form of a story that has happened dozens of time:
Once, I was eating a bag of chips, and a child asked me for some, so I gave him some. He came again, but his mother told him that he was not allowed to have any more - he complained.
"The chips are all done," she said. The child whines. He cries. After a few minutes she turns to look at me again.
"Can you please give him some more chips?"
This is one HUGE mistake that many parents make - they lie. They tell a child "no" and then say yes after s/he's complained, they threaten punishments that will not be enforced.
When they do this, they are not only positively reinforcing tears and tantrums and teaching their children that their word means very little - they are lying, and thus teaching their children to lie.
These parents are well-intentioned, but they forget this: if your child is going to cry for ten minutes because you forbade him from eating a cookie, so be it. A little crying has never hurt anyone as far as I know.
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