Naeem's Blog

Great news people! The BC's are out and this deserves a Good News Post, sorta (see my objections below). But since I don't have a Sorta Good News Post category, I'll file this under a regular GNP.

The good folks at Altmuslim and City of Brass have come out with their 4th annual Brass Crescent awards. Although they didn't announce it publicly, inside sources tell me that the winner of each category will get a years supply of chocolate covered dates, a teddy-bear named Jesus, and a million dollars.

Wait, you haven't heard of the BC's? Uhmmm, ok...so were you raised by a pack of wolves or a gang of gorillas? The BC's are to the Muslim blogosphere what the Oscars are to Hollywood.

And the greatest travesty of the BC's is that my blog should have been this year's Titantic (referring to the movie that won 11 awards, not the actual ship that didn't do as well).

I poured my heart and soul into every blog post and all I have to show for it is a measely Best Series nomination?! That's like winning an Oscar for Best Special Effects...everyone's clapping while thinking 'Is that even a category?'

So I think it behooves me to enlighten the BC folks and everyone else in the blogosphere how I qualify for ALL the other categories:

Best Blog: How many bloggers are brave and edgy enough to post about Matt Dillon dreams? That alone should have locked me in as the winner.

Most Deserving of Wider Recognition: My investigative journalism exposed the cover-up behind a UN official smuggling drugs out of Afghanistan.

Best Female Blog: There is no room for sexism in Islam and I have openly celebrated my feminine side on my blog. Just read my Ode to Breastfeeding. Oh and notice how I placed THREE exclamation marks in the post announcing my daughters birth. Many Pakistanis would have put a sad face, but not me – I'm all about women's right to be born. And did I mention that I had a dream about Matt Dillon?

Best group blog: I'm very moody and borderline schizophrenic. Does that qualify me for Group blog?

Best Mideast/Central Asian blog: My better half is Arab and I currently live in Saudi Arabia. And what's up with the inclusion of Central Asia? What do the nice people in Nicaragua and El-Salvador have to do with Muslim bloggers?

Best South/Southeast Asian Blog: I'm a brown man and I once wrote a personal letter to Nawaz Sharif. I also posted on the newest intriguing soap opera called 'Pakistani Politics'.

And what gives with the Best African Blog category?! Its like non-existent. And if it did exist, I would clearly warrant a nomination based on my in-depth coverage of Eritrea, the Nile controversy, and Australia.

Best non-Muslim blog: Uhmmm...(scratching my head)...some of my best friends are non-Muslim?? Ok, fine I'll skip this one.

Best Post or Series: Yeah, ok, so they threw me this crumb...I won't rest until I dominate!!

Best Multimedia blog: Folks, this is such an insult. Which blogger introduced the Muslim online community to the laughing Yoga, the Human Tetris, (even Best Blog nominee Yahya Birt found this noteworthy) AND dorky human Transformers?? Hint: It wasn't Baba Ali.

Best Ijtihad: I'm no Mujtahid, but I humbly present to you the single most important Ijtihad of the year: Ihram Improvement (sure, it wasn't my own ijtihad, but I was one of the scant few who publicized and embraced it). Fine, if you wanna be a stickler, how about my Tarawih innovation to separate the prayer halls into burping and non-burping sections. Not impressed? How about my calls for Iftar Reform?

Having proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that my blog is number vun (and that I have lots of free time), I call on my loyal readership to boycott the BC's and instead flood the organizers with a massive email campaign. They'll never know what hit them when they see their inboxes overflowing with emails from all 13 of my readers (defiantly clenching fist in the air).

In the meanwhile, go ahead and vote for my Best series nomination – but don't do it for me - rather, think of it as a vote for Maryam's, Humza's, and Ayah's college fund! Besides, by the time they hit college, a million bucks will only pay for their first two years.