Sh. Yasir Qadhi wrote a piece over at MuslimMatters presenting his new initiative (Like a Garment) to address sex-related problems plaguing many Western Muslim couples. He cites his experience in presenting various lectures and seminars, where many young Muslims expressed confusion and frustration in navigating the murky waters of intimate relations.
He mentioned three examples in his article:
1. A couple experimenting in questionable acts.
2. A wife complaining about her selfish husband who cares nothing for her sexual satisfaction.
3. Husbands frustrated by their wives' lack of sexual interest.
So after discovering the dearth of Islamic scholarly work on this subject, he decided to read up on the countless western studies and decided to Islamify them for consumption by his Muslim audiences.
Sh. Yasir reasons that such problems of intimacy are “compounded for most of us, since we as a modern generation of Muslims are caught between two cultures: the excessive ultra-conservatism of our parent’s culture (in which parents never even held hands in front of their kids, or addressed each other in endearing terms, or indeed showed any signs of being romantic), and the hyped over-sexuality and over-romanticism of the culture surrounding us (in which much happens in public that we’d rather not discuss).”
So, he’s claiming that the social dynamics are so completely different for Muslims in modern society that it necessitates a new approach to address the challenges of their sexual problems.
Is it me or are the three examples he cited problems that have existed since the dawn of time and not merely specific to the modern generation of Muslims?
Married couples have been struggling with these issues for generations. I don’t see anything so problematic that it warrants such a focused attention.
Nothing modern about these issues.
What is modern is this self-serving need to talk about everything. We are the Oprah/Dr. Phil-generation. We need to open up and express our emotions and share our frustrations and analyze everything, even our most intimate of problems.
I’m not comfortable with this position.
What makes us believe that the problems related to intimacy found in our generation are so special that they need to be addressed in a manner different from what ALL the generations before practiced?
For ages, couples have dealt with these issues in the privacy of their homes or in extreme cases, in a private session with a respected elder.
But not us. We need to publicly discuss sensitive issues, such as masturbation, orgasms, and vibrators.
The lack of public sexual discourse found in Muslims societies is not a deficiency. I counter that it’s a strength. After all, with all this openness found in Western society, how has it improved their marriages?
Caught in this intersection between two cultures, we’re sadly choosing the ways of our newly adopted culture where it’s completely acceptable to openly discuss sex, while arrogantly tossing aside centuries of tradition and custom, marked by this most essential of characteristics, Haya (bashfulness).
Haya dictates that not every problem of intimacy needs to be addressed. Haya teaches us that getting the absolute maximum sexual pleasure does not take precedence over social propriety and modesty. Haya teaches us that problems created in the bedroom should be fixed in the bedroom.
Let me clarify that when I refer to problems, I speak not of modern-day perversions that are destroying marriages, such as porn, romance novels, and Facebook. Issues born from these sicknesses, as complex as they are, can be addressed either in the conventional manner, as detailed in this timely article posted at Imam Suhaib Webb’s site, or with the expertise of a marriage counselor.
And I’m not just picking on Sh. Yasir’s project. I have similar misgivings with programs like the one hosted by the Egyptian ‘Dr. Ruth’, Hoda Kotb, who shocked the Muslim world several years ago with her TV program ‘Big Talk’ in which she discusses sensitive issues. The sex therapist admitted that "Five years ago, I'd see two or three patients a week. Today, I'm booked three months ahead."
Some may conclude from her statement that modern couples are indeed having more problems in bed. On the contrary, I think it’s just that they’ve found an outlet receptive to their questions and frustrations.
Parents, elder siblings, and close friends simply don’t care about your bedroom antics. So in this day and age, where sexual prowess is critical to one’s identity, couples are insistent on finding a solution and thus these initiatives are taking hold in our communities.
Sex just isn’t that complicated. If village dwellers can figure it out, why can’t the modern Muslim generation?
I guess I’m just old school. I say to couples interested in improving their sex life exactly what my father told me before I got married.
Nothing.
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10 comments:
I do agree with you to a certain extent about the annoying trend to analyze everything to death nowadays, but in this matters as in all matters we should look back to the Prophet's example, and the example of his companions and the salaf (the first few generations after them).
The Prophet and his companions were remarkably open about sexual matters. You may recall the hadith narrated by Umm Salamah who said: “Umm Sulaym came to the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, Allah is not too shy to tell us the truth. Does a woman have to do ghusl if she has a wet dream?’ The Prophet said: ‘Yes, if she sees water (a discharge).’ Umm Salamah covered her face and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, can a woman have an erotic dream?’ He said, ‘Yes, may your hands be rubbed with dust. How else would her child resemble her?’” (Bukhari)
There are many similar hadiths in which the Messenger of ALlah clarifies suexual matters to his companions. These days there is alot of confusion due to the two things Yasir Qadhi mentions. Seriously, many people have serious misconceptions. So, kudos to him and his project!
AA- Anon,
You are correct. The hadith explicitly states that there is no Haya in deen, in relation to fiqhi-matters. We shouldn't be shy of asking on intimate matters.
But that isn't what I wrote about, nor is that the focus of Sh. Yasir's project.
The Fiqh of Marriage is a topic that has already been covered and he acknowledged as much.
What I'm referring to is the issue of sex-related issues that waver outside of the fiqh-discussion and into the realm of counseling.
Very well written! I'm sick and tired of people trying to be a bridge between tradition and modernity, but in reality they are only a product of the modern mentality.
bro naeem,what did your father tell you?
Salams brother,
I would have to agree, especially as this crosses the bounds of haya - for a woman to go behind her husband's back and discuss such matters so openly with a male is quite frankly disgusting.
Whereas we learn the Deen related to such matters from a Faqih, this is a completely different matter.
Apart from Scholars like Ustadha Hedaya Hartford, there are very few Islamic Scholars who are actually trained to deal with such matters.
And sometimes these intimate matters actually need to be treated medically, or require counselling.
A married sister
Facebook is destroying marriages? If something like Facebook can destroy a marriage..it wasnt built to last anyhow.
I would agree with your point of view for the most part but I think its more how you discuss and issue and not the topic itself which needs parameters set. Nothing should be taboo...if there is confusion or ignorance about ANYTHING...Muslims should be willing to discuss it openly and frankly...but how and with who is paramount.
And not on Facebook I take it.
AA-
@Abbe, good point. I'm quite weary of all our efforts to 'Islamize' everything in the west. Instead of coming up with our own solutions, or better yet, taking from our tradition, we're insistent on creating cheap rip-offs of everything in the west (see Islamic banking).
@Anon1, my father told me nothing. Its the last word in my post.
@Anon2, well said. Basically, the problem should be taken care of privately, either between the couple or with the assistance of a counselor.
@coolred38, you know what I mean about Facebook. Those people who are so addicted to FB (or chatrooms or any other social networking tool) while ignoring their spouses are the ones ruining their marriages.
"if there is confusion or ignorance about ANYTHING...Muslims should be willing to discuss it openly and frankly"
Do you mean *publicly*? If so, I disagree. If you mean openly and frankly to each other (ie. a married couple) or with a counselor, then we're saying the same thing.
My beef is with these talk shows and seminars where we feel the need to be 'open and frank' in a public gathering on topics that are better left in the private domain.
I agree that some things do not need to be discussed publicly.
Do you think this -- "Haya teaches us that problems created in the bedroom should be fixed in the bedroom." -- is NOT happening and perhaps bringing these issues out in public helps people in their search for solutions? Maybe they feel empowered by knowing this couple and that couple and the one over there has the same struggle so, please, let's discuss this and find some answers?
brnaeem..i think you may have misunderstood. I signed up for yasir qadhi's email list that he has over on the likeagarment.com webpage.
And its basically hadith from the Prophet saw and explaining them, extracting fawaid, and saying such and such scholar said xyz about this hadith.
This is not counseling.
This is educating the masses about sex from an islamic perspsective. Which is needed. And doing it in that setting..sending out emails to share info is perfectively private. You're reading it in your very own email account! lol
There's alot i'm guessing that people don't know about stuff.
Although honestly i find it a bit baffling that ppl have all these issues?. I would think most practicing people educate themselves about marriage and its related issues when or before or maybe after they get married.
AA-
@Susanne, "Maybe they feel empowered by knowing this couple and that couple and the one over there has the same struggle so, please, let's discuss this and find some answers?"
You see, I have a problem with this approach. This is what I was referring to as the 'Oprah-generation'. We feel this strange need to talk about our struggles and share our feelings with others who are in similar situations.
I'm not sure that is advisable, especially when it comes to such sensitive topics as marital relations.
@Anon, "I would think most practicing people educate themselves about marriage and its related issues when or before or maybe after they get married."
I think you basically summed up my post right there. I see such efforts as either redundant or crossing the lines of Haya.
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