My father never really beat me. When upset with me, he would either grab my ear and squeeze really hard or force me into the murghi (chicken) position.
(What’s that? You’ve never heard of the murghi? Oh you poor, deprived non-Desi soul. This quaint punishment imported from the Indian subcontinent requires the trouble child to squat down, loop arms under the knees, and grab hold of the ears - Hold position until father finishes eating dinner, wakes up from nap, or just forgets about you.)
So, I’ve never really considered any type of corporal punishment on my children. I would normally yell at them until they obeyed and if that didn’t work, I would resort to taking away some privilege (ie. grounding). For the most part, that worked with my older 11yr old daughter and my 9yr old son.
However, in the past year or so, Humza’s been getting a bit rebellious and isn’t too bothered with losing his privileges. He’s quite strong willed and if need be, he’s willing to sacrifice playing video games or going out in order to get his way. He’s slowly lost respect for our authority and has even had the gall to talk back a few times.
This had to stop. Immediately.
So, in the midst of one of these spats, he went too far and I decided enough was enough. I took him into the bathroom, laid him over my laps, and smacked him on his behind. His reaction? He let out an is-that-all-you-got? chuckle. I got even more upset and hit him as hard as I could. Nothing. His butt was simply too thick. I ended up stinging my hand with no effect whatsoever on the chubby offender.
After that mishap, I decided to simply start hitting him on the back of his hand whenever he would upset me or his mother.
But, his attitude wasn’t changing. In fact, I noticed him getting worse.
So I did what I should have done from the get-go and starting researching the matter. I quickly learned that Muslims have no real thought-out plan on raising a well-disciplined child. Most scholars and teachers provide generic advice on how to cultivate a righteous child, but nothing exists (that I could find) that details how to specifically deal with a problem child.
But wow! There's a plethora of documentation on the Christian side. I mean, these folks have it down to a science. They offer multiple approaches in great detail with alternative steps for varying situations. Amazing stuff!
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Muslims know what they’re doing - they just haven’t institutionalized it. We don’t write about it in our books or teach it in lectures.
Muslims just aren’t into counseling as an institution. We’re simply told to deal with the problem (whether it’s a rocky marriage or a tantrum toddler or a pubescent teen or an in-family squabble) according to the Quran and Sunnah. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that just doesn’t cut it.
And so, I found much enlightenment on how to deal with a child from the vast collection of Christian books and websites on the topic.
1. The most important lesson I learned was consistency. Establish a rule and stick to it. Initially, I would yell out some random rule (“No more eating in the family room”) and never follow through with it. This led to the kids losing respect for my rules or simply unable to keep track of the latest rule. I now have fewer rules, but am unswerving in enforcing them.
2. Another essential concept is called First Time Obedience (FTO), which stresses that the child should obey the parent the first time they hear a command. The parent should never repeat him/herself. In repeating , the parent is implicitly stating that it’s ok NOT to obey the first few times – and that obedience is required only upon repetition or when an ultimate threat is given (“If you don’t listen, I’m going to ground you!”).
3. One should never raise their voice when asking the child to obey them. Again, the child is learning that the first few times when the request was made in a normal voice, he isn’t required to act – and obedience is only required when the parent begins to yell.
4. Drop the stupid counting to three tactic. When you ask the child something, your request should be serious enough to warrant immediate attention. By counting to three, you’re telling them that the initial request wasn’t to be taken seriously.
5. Stop with the crazy threats (“I will ground you for one year if you hit your sister again”). Say you what you mean and mean what you say. Follow-through is most critical.
6. Be ready to outlast them. Children are very keen on testing the parents to find their breaking point. If the child puts his foot down, be ready for a long staring match. If you give in, all what you’ve worked for will go down the drain.
7. In carrying out an order, the child must do so with a proper attitude. Grumbling and pouting while doing so is unacceptable and must be repeated, but with a better attitude.
When it comes to punishment, timeouts and groundings may be effective in some cases, but the stick must always be kept as an option. There’s so much negativity out there against physically disciplining one’s child. Clearly there is a difference between beating a child to a pulp and smacking them as a means of discipline. But all too often, both get thrown around as being forms of child abuse. That’s too bad because a properly placed smack can go a long way in dealing with a problem child.
Personally, I’ve begun to use a small stick with a quick smack to the back of the calf as their punishment.
And here is what I learned about the stick:
1. Never hit the child in a state of anger. Always be in control of your emotions. If you’re upset, walk away and come back when you’ve cooled down.
2. Let them understand that the punishment is a direct result of their action. No need to lecture. Just be clear that they understand how they broke the rules.
3. Never hit the child to hurt. The smack should be a deterrent from which they learn, not a scar that causes humiliation or hatred.
4. Never hit in front of others. The punishment is not intended to embarrass the child.
5. Never make play of the punishment or the stick. Nothing to do with it is a joke and the children must realize that it’s very serious.
6. Never hit with your hand. The hand should be seen as a part of the parent and should symbolize care and love. Using a small stick is ideal.
7. Fight the urge to hug or caress them after the punishment. Don’t tell them that this hurts you more than it will hurt them. The parent needs to be strong in establishing the importance of his/her order.
8. Of course, there are appropriate ages for implementing these punishments. You can't hit a 2-yr old toddler and if you're hitting a 16-yr old, it's probably too late.
All that being said, I can’t emphasize enough the need for a loving environment in which the child sees the parents smiling and playing with them more often than punishing them.
Finally, I like how the Christian perspective links the parent-child obedience to the God-man obedience. God doesn’t repeat or count to three or yell - He simply states a command and expects it to be followed. We try to constantly remind them that following our orders is but a subset of following the orders of Allah (swt).
